Haphazard Sex Life (Humour)


When it comes to matters relating to girls, ladies, women, sexuality or whatever, I think I’m the most unlucky fellow in the whole wide world. While my little friends and mates successfully pulled off jaw breaking stunt-scapades with girls, virtually everything related to the opposite sex that I dabble into often ends in disaster.

I grew up in a home that gave no room for us kids to go out and frolic with friends. Before you can go out of the compound, you will have to tell an elder sibling. If they say no, don’t go out, then you can’t go out except you want to be lashed some strokes of cane in the butt. So when my uncle came visiting and talked my parents into letting me come stay with him for the holiday, I was very happy.

Please ask me why I was happy. Back then in school, you know how boys form groups and they would go into a secluded part of the school and gossip their pranks away, I belonged to one of such groups in elementary school. The bad boys in the group would tell how they would go peeping at women who were taking their bath or undressing; the badder boys would narrate how they fondled and pressed older ‘aunties’ breasts while the baddest boys would tell how they did ‘daddy and mommy’ with female neighbors who were our age mates or how one big aunty sat on top of their pee pee. Whenever it gets to my turn to talk, I usually had nothing to say. Now that my Uncle was… or is a chronic womanizer. I hope you can now guess why I was happy.

I was about ten years old at the time. My Uncle stays in a crowded apartment block. When I got there, the place was like a mini market with so many people in the compound, and it seemed I was the only kid staying there as most of the tenants were entry level workers who were staying alone one with their live in fiancées. At the very end of the compound, one stupid man like that kept a stupid dog. I asked my uncle if the dog bites people, he said no, that if the dog barks at me, I should pick something, throw it at it and it would run away. I was relieved.

That very night, when I was asleep on the bed, I was woken up by rumblings and moaning of my uncle and a lady I never knew. I pretended to be asleep, turned over and opened my eyes a little. The thing I saw eh… legs flying in air, adults biting, hitting and scratching each other, I didn’t understand what was going on so I decided to shift closer to them so I could get a better view since the room was dark. I barely rolled over when the stupid girl picked a pillow and used it to cover my face. In my mind, I was like… what kind of nonsense is this? Is it her eyes that I am using to look? If she thinks she is smart, I showed her I was smarter.

About two minutes later… my face still covered with the pillow, I started to cough. I didn’t just cough, I coughed as if I were suffocating or choking. Nobody told them before they removed the dammed pillow from my face. I opened my mouth, gasped for air and then pretended to snore. My uncle rubbed my back with ‘sorry’.

Then the lady kneels on the bed while Uncle sat on her back and began to rider her like a horse. The lady cried as if she was in pain. In my mind, I thought, if she weren’t comfortable, why didn’t she just shove him off her or collapse on the bed? They soon finished what they were doing and slept off. I would have loved to send my tiny fingers on excursion over the lady’s chest but Uncle slept between me and her. When I woke up the next morning, I didn’t see any trace that we have any guest a few hours ago.

The question on my mind later during the day was… what is/are there on the bodies of women that Uncle or grown up men were so obsessed with? I sometimes do play rough with girls at school; we sometimes leapfrog each other, wrestle and sit side by side in the class. So what is it inside these big aunties that uncles spend so much money to please? I was determined to find out and I almost did that afternoon but I was quite unlucky.

It was a lonely afternoon. Almost all the people in the compound had gone to work so everywhere was quiet. When I was playing on the verandah, a lady from another room nearby suddenly dashed and headed to the shared bathroom at the end of the compound. I looked around for the dog but didn’t see it. Great! So I tiptoed to the backyard, climbed over stack of old blocks at the back of the bathroom and peeped in with my heart beating fast like jazz drum.

Normally, from the back of the bathroom, one can see the back of anyone taking a bath there but there was iron burglary covering the window. I was undeterred, quietly forced my head in-between the rods of the burglary and stretched out my neck to see a better view of ‘what is on the woman’s body’. Alas, I saw nothing. She only came to pee so she squatted and didn’t take long before adjusting her wrapper and dashed out of the bathroom!

I was so mad and disappointed with myself. I didn’t even know it was the beginning of my ordeal that afternoon. When I pulled my head back from the burglary, I was struck. I pulled the iron apart with my small arms but my ear would not fold so easily without paining me. I started to sweat as if rain drenched me. I couldn’t shout for help. A million thoughts crossed my mind at the same time: What is someone catching me? What if the dog sees me and begins to bark? What if the blocks I was standing on suddenly break and I come crashing into the small open gutter below? I prayed that nobody should come to take a bath that moment. At last, I was able to force my head back but I bruised an ear as pulled my head backward with force after some trials. It was a very bad experience.

A similar case however happened the next day. Unknown to me, someone deliberately placed those blocks at the back of the bathroom. As it is usually the men who took their bath first so they could get to work on time, when ladies began to trickle out to take their bath, the crazy dude, a short guy like that, would sneak behind the bathroom, climb atop the blocks and begin to peep.

I must have dislodged some blocks underneath in my struggle to free myself from the burglary so when the man mounted the blocks, whether he was wagging his waist or stamping his legs in excitement, I don’t know. What I know is that I suddenly heard ‘gbooaaa!’ followed by a woman’s screams emanating from the backyard and rushed out to see what was happening. There he was inside the gutter drenched with washed off soap/bath water and crumbled blocks scattered all over him.

The lady in the bathroom, barely covered with her wrapper dashed out with her water bucket in her hand and emptied the bucket on the man who laid in the gutter as if he passed out. He didn’t have much choice because, I think if he got up and ran away, the street boys would catch him and that would be worse for him but if he remained in the compound, only the compound people would bash him or maybe it’s ‘defeated psychology’ that hit him… you know how knocked out boxers do lay sprawling on the canvass, that was how the man laid in the gutter.

When he didn’t get up, the woman grabbed his vest and pulled him up, applied some sweet blows on his head and used her long fingernails to pick his teeth. By then, the compound people had gathered around them. A man donated his table… they laid the man on top, tied his hands and leg to the table’s four legs and… you know what’s up… they whooped his ass and back with horse whip. The man got the flogging of his life. Afterwards they packed his things out of his room and threw them outside the compound.

Later people began to narrate the man’s many sins. The woman who stayed next to him said something I can’t ever forget. She said whenever it is midnight and the weather is hot, she sometimes sleep nude with windows open. Soon she would feel a hand caressing her body. She thought it was her husband and would let the hand roam wherever it wanted to roam… until one day, the husband woke up one midnight to pee only for him to see a hand from outside the window… with fingers deeply immersed inside his wife’s honey pot. The husband’s first instinct was to grab the intruder’s hand… a mistake as he ought to have fetched a machete or knife first. As the husband grabbed the hand, the man sharply pulled off is hand and bolted away.

That same night, Uncle brought home another lady. As I was ‘CIA sleeping’ as usual, they began to argue. The lady insisted that Uncle wears protective garment but uncle said he had none in the house. He tried to force his stick into her but the lady locked her legs firmly together. He woke me up and told me to go sleep on the floor.

I had barely laid my back in the ground when they started to struggle again. The lady fought Uncle off and came to sleep beside me on the floor. Uncle left the bed, dived between us and later told me to go sleep on the bed. I sighed, got up and returned to the bed. They started their struggle again. The lady can slap o… as in, the kind slaps that reverberated from uncle’s body were deafening. When her slaps didn’t work, she got up and jumped beside me such that she laid close to the wall while I was beside her.

Uncle got up with arms akimbo, tapped my leg and told me to go sleep on the floor again. In my mind, I was like… “What kind of nonsense is this nah”? As I got up, the lady grabbed me and held me tight. She said she’ll rather have me than have Uncle since I am ‘virgin’. Their quarrel graduated to 300 Level. Uncle told her to wear her clothes and go back home. The lady said it’s too late; she won’t leave until the next morning. They swore, hurled abuses and foul words at each other until Uncle got tired, grabbed a pillow and slept off on the floor.

Remembering what the lady said about having me rather than Uncle, I decided to try my luck. I maneuvered my hand onto the lady’s tummy, she didn’t move. In my naivety, I started rubbing and massaging her stomach like that. A little while later, the lady grabbed my hand, held it still, gently lowered it into her hmm-hmm and used my hand to rub some wet stuffs on in that place. Trust me, inborn with massaging skills, I went to work and massaged her hum-hmm until she held my hand. Then she positioned her wrapper under her butt and tapped me to continue. I barely rubbed the place for a minute before she gushed and soaked my fingers with slippery pee stuffs. Then she tapped my hand to stop and wiped my hand with her wrapper.

Later she brought her hand over into my shorts and stroked something inside there. As if that was not enough, she slowly got up to check if Uncle was really asleep. He back was turned at us. Then she pulled down my short a little and gave me my first ‘bee-jay’. The sensations felt good. She later wore her undies, tied the wrapper over her waist and laid facing up on the bed. If I say I didn’t press breasts tire that night, I am liar. I woke up the next morning feeling ten years older. Of course, the lady had gone. Later after Uncle had gone to work, if you see how I carried my shoulders as I walked around the compound, you’ll think my father is the landlord.

My stay was unexpectedly cut short by an incident triggered by the stupid dog in the compound. At about eight in the night, a lady came to visit us. Uncle told me to follow him out to go buy something. At the grocery shop across the road, he bought drinks, sausages and gave me some. As we got back into our compound, Uncle told me to wait outside for him until he has finished discussing with his visitor and then I can come in to sleep. I innocently nodded my head, asked him to help me tear off the sausage’s package and skipped off to play. As Uncle dashed to his room, I couldn’t help wishing I had slept off earlier.

Then came the dog’s matter. It pursued a fat rat out of the compound and disappeared out of sight. I have never seen a rat run so fast. From eight to ten p.m, Uncle still hadn’t finished his discussion with the visitor. I got cold, bored and weary. Then  the dog came back and stared hard at me. In my mind, I was like… what is your problem nah, go back inside. Instead the stupid thing began to bark at me and later started to growl. Me too, I got angry, took off my slippers, aimed and sent it flying into the crazy dog’s head. Whether a demon processed the dog or the dog processed a demon, I don’t know. It angrily shined its dentition and dashed at me.

I didn’t need invitation before I dashed indoors. The dog pursued me o. I tried to target Uncle’s room door but the dog was so close. I grabbed the nearest door handle, yanked it down and burst into the room. Most unfortunately, I bumped into husband and wife who were being intimate live. The woman quickly tied wrapper while the husband wore his shorts and asked me ‘what is the matter’? I could only stammer ‘dog o… dog o…’ The man got angry and told me to get out of his house. He did everything to force me out but I held tight to the door handle. He later called Uncle who chased the dog away, discharged his visitor and put me to bed.

The next morning, he took me straight to my parents. When they asked him why he brought me back so quickly, he said he was posted to another state for a short assignment so he had to do the needful. In my mind, I was like… ah, Uncle you can lie o. Why didn’t he just say I was disturbing his privacy? I couldn’t wait for school to resume the next week so I could narrate my experience to my group guys.

When school eventually resumed, the first day was bad. In my eagerness to rush off to school, I didn’t pay much attention to my dressing. I stopped along the way to pee and then… as I hurried off to school (I was already late), the people I met on the way would smile and nod at me. The school morning assembly was ongoing when I burst into the school compound. All heads turned around and looked at me. Some of my class mates burst into laughter. Then a teacher shouted at me to zip up. I looked down and to my horror saw my third leg peeping out of my short’s zip. I momentarily died.

I didn’t think I could endure the taunts from all the children in the school that day. I did U-turn and headed to back to the gate. The teacher shouted at the Security Guard to “hold am o… hold am o…” Hold me where? I ran towards the Guard, dived between his legs and bolted out of the school compound. After school hours, some pupils came to my house armed with chalks and drew graffiti on a little boy with a long stick pointing out of his hip, on our the outer walls of our fence. Small children can be mean eh.

I soon had my first taste of ‘real woman trouble’. I’ll try to summarize it as short as possible. After I got back from Uncle’s place, an Aunt came to visit for some time. You know how ladies sleep at night… they just tie wrapper or wear gown with nothing under. So that particular night, she came to sleep on my bed because everywhere in the house was full. As midnight came, I thought I could play the same game I played with that lady that refused Uncle touch her without protective garment so a little while after she settled in beside me and slept off, I gently slid my hand under her wrapper and begin to creep into her hip confluence. The Aunty didn’t move. I thought she was enjoying it like the other lady so I crooked my fingers and dived it into ‘the place’.

You can imagine what happened next? Aunty screamed, grabbed my hand and applied three quick slaps on my wrist. The slaps paralyzed my hand. Then she jumped out the of bed and ran out of the room. The next moment, I heard my mom call my name. Who wants trouble? I pretended to be asleep. Mom called me again but I didn’t answer; I shut my eyes tight. I was thinking about the lie I would tell to defend myself when a super-hot slap landed on my face. Oh boy eh, I saw seven stars. Mom dragged me out of bed to the living room and made me kneel down. Dad came out of his room with his Moroccan leather belt, sat disappointed on the chair and asked me to confess my sin.

It was then that I understood why the short peeping tom just laid in the gutter after the blocks crumbled under him. I didn’t know what to say. If I tried to talk, a thousand words would want to force themselves out of my mouth at the same time. My heart was beating like jazz. That was how they carried me on the center table for dad to design my bottom with twenty-five lashes of leather belt.





Photo Credit:

Kissing Kids; http://whatsnextblog.com

Man & Woman: http://otisele.com