While growing up and watching all those funny old school condom adverts, you’ll be thinking that using condom to make love is the sweetest thing married people do. If you have forgotten the advert, let me remind you again. During rush hour, some low class people rushed into a mass transit bus. When the bus became full and all passengers seated, the conductor saw a condom pack on the floor. He picked it up and shouted at the top of his voice… “Who owns this rain coat?! I say who get this… condom?! One man promptly replied “Gold Circle condom? Abeg na my own”. Everyone in the bus burst into laughter. The man now went on to tell everybody how he uses the condom to pummel his wife… hmmm…
So the first time I was opportune to use condom on a lady, I was highly excited. Before then, I boasted to the lady that if she gives me the chance, I would bang her so hard that her pussy would turn red. As the lady walked into my room, I quickly drew her to sit with me on the bed. You can guess what happened next? Clothes started flying here and there. After performing all the necessary romance rituals on her boobies, neck and other sensitive parts, I got up proudly and walked to fish out the pack of expensive Durex condom I had hidden away. As I was about to wear the raincoat on my dick, the lady ‘opened mouth’ and said I should not wear it… we should do the thing raw. What?! She wants to infect me with gonorrhea? I said I can’t do without the condom o. She said okay o. So I wore the condom and climbed the babe o.
As I entered the lady and began to pound away ferociously, I tried to feel what was going on down below but harder I tried to feel something, the more I couldn’t feel anything. I thought it was because I wasn’t pounding hard enough so I pounded harder. I begin sweat like a Christmas goat. The lady was just humming and humming like a bee with disappointment written all over her face. Then disaster happened. Dick got annoyed and went to sleep. I am doomed! Is this how I am going to disgrace myself in front of a lady? I thought maybe her pussy is too wide, that is why I couldn’t feel anything.
The lady sighed, removed the condom, wiped my dick and gave it mouth action. The stupid thing stood up. I heaved a sigh of relief, tore another condom and wore it. This time, I lay on the bed; the lady held dick up, suffocated it with her pussy and began to jump up and down. About a minute later, dick went AWOL and shrank like a deflated tire. What is the matter nau? Dick why are you disgracing me like this? The lady removed the condom again and gave me hand job. Dick grudgingly stood up.
I took the third condom, wore it, told the babe to kneel down, positioned her bum bum up and forced Dick into her pussy. I didn’t even give the babe five strokes before Dick broke down completely. The kind of perspiration I perspired had no part two; the kind thirst that gripped me eh, I have never seen. I just laid down there panting as if I ran a 100 meters race. The lady then rubbed salt for my injury by calling another guy to enquire if he is available, wore her clothes, romantically picked my wallet and walked out of my crib with some money and a sweet mocking smile. Holy shit!
In my performance review, I assumed the lady’s pussy is wide, that was why Dick wasn’t interested in chopping her honey pot. I didn’t forgive myself for that money I wasted on top of nothing. I stayed off intimacy for some time until one day, this sexy babe I had been scoping for a long time walked into my lion’s den saying she is hungry. As a sharp guy, I quickly dashed to the kitchen to prepare noodles, sardine and eggs and malt for her to eat and drink.
After eating, she got up and said she is going go. Does she think I am a thrifty moron? I quickly hugged her and begin rub her boobies while kissing her neck and started whispering “I love you” and all those sweet nonsense into her ear. When I noticed she was relaxed, I lifted up her skirt, pulled down her pant and was about to enter her when I remembered that I have not put on a condom. So I rushed to my wardrobe to fetch a pack I had hidden away.
Oh men… today is today! As I was about to wear the condom, just like the other lady, the babe said I should not use condom… I should do it raw. Please o, I’m not ready to be a father now. I ignored her, wore the condom, told her to touch her toes, entered her bum bum and started to flog her. The lady began to mutter annoyingly that I should “do quick”. What kind of unromantic utterance is that? The words sank my morale and then the dreaded thing happened; my dick went to sleep. As I pulled the limp thing out, I wondered whether the witches in my village people are chasing me. The babe gave me a kind of “didn’t I told you” look and began to wear her clothes.
I stood there arms akimbo looking sheepishly. Is this how this girl will chop my noodles, sardine and eggs, drink my malt and walk away scot free? Am I ‘Father Christmas’ or when did I become one? Then I saw it… the nylon wraps of a little bread I had eaten earlier in the morning. I went to the nylon and picked it. It was neither too thick nor too light. I nodded my head, wore the nylon loosely over my Dick and went for the almost fully dressed lady.
The kind of expression on her face was a mixture of anger, amusement and ridicule. I didn’t give her chance to say anything. I grabbed her, pushed her on the bed and lifted up her skirt. She shouted… “What?! You want to fuck me with nylon?” I ignored her, yanked her legs apart and dived in. As I began to pound her, my dick suddenly turned into a police baton. Strangely, though I was ramming down there, I didn’t feel like pouring out. It is just like eating chewing gum without the instinct to swallow it.
The whole thing soon turned into amateur wrestling. As I pounded her, she hugged me tightly and began to play extreme piano with her finger nails on my back. After a while, she suddenly pushed me down, climbed my rod and started riding. The nylon remained in place… you know how wet clothes or nylon cleaves to the skin? Yes, that was how the nylon cleaved to my dick. She started riding my rod roughly. It is now my turn to toy with her dangling boobs. I pressed her boobs eh, I pressed the soft loaves as if there would be no tomorrow. Then she bent over, kissing me and slammed her heavy butt against my crotch.
I noticed her pussy tighten so I turned her round, and began to dig her with gentle but hard strokes. The lady wanted to commit suicide o. She bellowed like a cow looking for her calf and started pulling at my bedspread. I was relentless. What happened next was bed quaking as she started moving to meet my thrusts midway and with a very loud cry that rent the air. Water gushed out as her pussy in forceful squirts and made a mess of my bed sheet.
I didn’t even feel like pouring out and continued to bang until I noticed the lady was exhausted. I removed my dick, wanked it and poured my holy water into the nylon. The girl went to sleep straight!
My brother and sister, I didn’t even know what I was doing. Though the thing wasn’t too sweet like drinking raw eggs mixed with honey, milk and chocolate but it tasted sweet like fried eggs. Maybe condoms aren’t made for me, maybe I didn’t use the condoms right. Whatever the case may be, I learnt something new that day; what a condom can do, nylon can do better.
I do not send anybody to deliver a message o. If you want to copycat me and go experiment with poly bag or use those see through, lean nylon they use to wrap sugar or so… if the nylon bursts inside her pussy, you’re on your own.
Culled From: The Intimate Adventures of Mr. Randy Man || By: Steve Owen