Updated: The Intimate Adventures of Mr Randy Man

The Intimate Adventures of Mr Randy Man
The Intimate Adventures of Mr Randy Man
The Intimate Adventures of Mr Randy Man
The Intimate Adventures of Mr Randy Man

If you want to have a good laugh over comic and humorous erotic tales, this book is for you.

This book is about the sexual experiences of Mr. Randy Man. He narrates in a blunt, thrilling and humorous manner about the good, bad and the ugly experiences he had while having casual sex with various women. He then discusses about a wide range of other sexual issues, his sexual challenges, the female anatomy, sexual morality, and a host of other interesting topics.


I’m on the lookout for a publisher so if you’ll like to publish my books in hard copy, feel free to contact me through my email address.

Table of Contents

 My First Time

  1. What Condom Can Do, Nylon Can Do Better
  2. Wanking: Good Or Bad?
  3. Cameroon Pepper
  4. Same Pussy, Different Shapes
  5. Bush Meat Catch Hunter!
  6. The Weed Connection
  7. The Failure To Rise
  8. The Older lady
  9. I Love Breasts!
  10. Olympus has fallen
  11. What’s love Got To Do With It?
  12. I Am Pregnant!
  13. Caught in the Act
  14. Some Pussies can Be Dangerous To The Health

© 2015 Stephen Oweniwe.

All Rights Reserved.
No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, and recording otherwise without prior permission from the copyright owner.

ISBN: 978-1-329-44243-6

Contact Author:



  1. My First Time

When I started chopping that sweet thing between ladies legs, I was a naïve guy in my late teens. The first lady I chopped… or rather the first lady that chopped me, she is far older than me and was obviously sex starved at the time. There was no one in the compound that day, just me and her.  The way she quickly locked the door, tore off my clothes and flung her skirt in the air, it was obvious she was very horny. She bent down, pushed her butt into my face and told me to “enter”.

Enter where? Is there any door inside her butt that I could go through? In fact, the sight of her bum bum so decorated with stretch marks was disgusting. I told her to go lie on the bed. She say said I should lie down on the bed instead. A whole me Mr. Randy Man? After all the romance novels and sex tutorials I have read on magazines and the net, this hypocrite lady wants to waltz top of my dick? No way! I must dance salsa with my dick in her pussy first. What can a horny girl do? You need to see how red her eyes were. She obeyed quietly laid down the bed. So I climbed her o. She didn’t even give me any chance to romance her. She just grabbed my rod and shoved it into her hot honey pot straight!

Damn! The lady’s pussy was like… a hot hand was inside pulling my rod deeper inside her. I began dance salsa on top of the babe o. Then I started hearing faaa faaa fooo followed by one kind creamy smell. She began to scatter her hair while moaning heavily… aaahhssssshhhhh… yhhhhhhhh!! Yeeeeehhhh… yeeeeessss… yeeeeeeeeee you will kill meeeeeeee ooooooooo! As I increased tempo she started swearing… Yeah! Hit it… yeah yeah… aahhh… fuck me… fuck me ooohh yeah! I raised her legs up to my shoulder and continue the pounding. She grabbed the bed sheets, closed her eyes tightly and opened her mouth to shout but all that came out of her lungs was hot air.

I soon got tired of holding her legs and paused. I laid my chest weight on her soft boobs while she opened her legs wider. As I started pounding again, I started hearing weird voices. It seemed like her pussy was speaking in tongues.  It sounded like proop, proop, proop, proop, prap, prap, prap fruup fruup… I enjoyed every bit of it. Her breasts are fine anyway… perfect standing breasts. As I touched her boobs to feel how soft they were, I was so disappointed. Her boobs were so hard like plastic soccer balls.

That was where my problem started o. It seemed like another hand joined the present hand inside her pussy and they both began to pull at my dick. Then a strange feeling overwhelmed me. I was so afraid. Nobody told me to pull out my precious dick out before those two hands inside her pussy break it for me. As I pulled my dick out, holy water flew out of my gun and landed on her breasts.

The lady swore and cursed angrily that ‘why I did I remove it’? She scooped my ice cream from her breasts and smeared it on my chest in annoyance. Gosh, that was insane. This nutty lady smeared sticky nonsense on me?! I got angry and got down from the bed, wore my shorts and barraged to the bathroom to wash my dick. As I took off my shorts to look my third leg, it was like someone used cooking butter to decorate it. The butter seemed to glue dick to my thigh. Oh my gosh! So this is how all those stories of dicks getting struck in pussies get to happen? If I hadn’t removed it on time, my thing would have glued inside the lady’s pussy just like that. My guardian angel saved me!

For the next few days, I hated myself, I hated the girl, I hated sex. A big zeppelin nearly crashed on my head one morning I saw the lady rush out to vomit. Throughout that day, I couldn’t rest. I composed 1001 lies and denial tales I was going to tell my strict dad in case the lady ‘mention’ my name. Since that day eh, I vowed never to eat woman pussy raw again. The stress, anxiety and distress that will nag your head thereafter isn’t just worth it.

I gently stayed away from girls for about three years after that. The way the lady scooped my pap from her breasts and smeared it on my chest created a kind of nasty memory I found very hard to forget. It made me feel a mixture of insecurity, annoyance and fear that I’ll fuck up whenever a lady tries to get close.

If I’m alone with a lady I’ll rather let her walk away for fear that I’ll embarrass myself if I make the first move. You know women are unpredictable. No man wants to chop a dirty slap for touching the laps of a beautiful lady he thought is willing to ‘play ball’. It took a long time before I got over that mentality.


2. What Condom Can Do, Nylon Can Do Better

While growing up and watching all those funny old school condom adverts, you’ll be thinking that using condom to make love is the sweetest thing married people do. If you have forgotten the advert, let me remind you again. During rush hour, some low class people rushed into a mass transit bus. When the bus became full and all passengers seated, the conductor saw a condom pack on the floor. He picked it up and shouted at the top of his voice… “Who owns this rain coat?! I say who get this… condom?! One man promptly replied “Gold Circle condom? Abeg na my own”. Everyone in the bus burst into laughter. The man now went on to tell everybody how he uses the condom to pummel his wife… hmmm…

So the first time I was opportune to use condom on a lady, I was highly excited. Before then, I boasted to the lady that if she gives me the chance, I would bang her so hard that her pussy would turn red. As the lady walked into my room, I quickly drew her to sit with me on the bed. You can guess what happened next? Clothes started flying here and there. After performing all the necessary romance rituals on her boobies, neck and other sensitive parts, I got up proudly and walked to fish out the pack of expensive Durex condom I had hidden away. As I was about to wear the raincoat on my dick, the lady ‘opened mouth’ and said I should not wear it… we should do the thing raw. What?! She wants to infect me with gonorrhea? I said I can’t do without the condom o. She said okay o. So I wore the condom and climbed the babe o.

As I entered the lady and began to pound away ferociously, I tried to feel what was going on down below but harder I tried to feel something, the more I couldn’t feel anything. I thought it was because I wasn’t pounding hard enough so I pounded harder. I begin sweat like a Christmas goat. The lady was just humming and humming like a bee with disappointment written all over her face. Then disaster happened. Dick got annoyed and went to sleep. I am doomed! Is this how I am going to disgrace myself in front of a lady? I thought maybe her pussy is too wide, that is why I couldn’t feel anything.

The lady sighed, removed the condom, wiped my dick and gave it mouth action. The stupid thing stood up. I heaved a sigh of relief, tore another condom and wore it. This time, I lay on the bed; the lady held dick up, suffocated it with her pussy and began to jump up and down. About a minute later, dick went AWOL and shrank like a deflated tire. What is the matter nau? Dick why are you disgracing me like this? The lady removed the condom again and gave me hand job. Dick grudgingly stood up.

I took the third condom, wore it, told the babe to kneel down, positioned her bum bum up and forced Dick into her pussy. I didn’t even give the babe five strokes before Dick broke down completely. The kind of perspiration I perspired had no part two; the kind thirst that gripped me eh, I have never seen. I just laid down there panting as if I ran a 100 meters race. The lady then rubbed salt for my injury by calling another guy to enquire if he is available, wore her clothes, romantically picked my wallet and walked out of my crib with some money and a sweet mocking smile. Holy shit!

In my performance review, I assumed the lady’s pussy is wide, that was why Dick wasn’t interested in chopping her honey pot. I didn’t forgive myself for that money I wasted on top of nothing. I stayed off intimacy for some time until one day, this sexy babe I had been scoping for a long time walked into my lion’s den saying she is hungry. As a sharp guy, I quickly dashed to the kitchen to prepare noodles, sardine and eggs and malt for her to eat and drink.

After eating, she got up and said she is going go. Does she think I am a thrifty moron? I quickly hugged her and begin rub her boobies while kissing her neck and started whispering “I love you” and all those sweet nonsense into her ear. When I noticed she was relaxed, I lifted up her skirt, pulled down her pant and was about to enter her when I remembered that I have not put on a condom. So I rushed to my wardrobe to fetch a pack I had hidden away.

Oh men… today is today! As I was about to wear the condom, just like the other lady, the babe said I should not use condom… I should do it raw. Please o, I’m not ready to be a father now. I ignored her, wore the condom, told her to touch her toes, entered her bum bum and started to flog her. The lady began to mutter annoyingly that I should “do quick”. What kind of unromantic utterance is that? The words sank my morale and then the dreaded thing happened; my dick went to sleep. As I pulled the limp thing out, I wondered whether the witches in my village people are chasing me. The babe gave me a kind of “didn’t I told you”  look and began to wear her clothes.

I stood there arms akimbo looking sheepishly. Is this how this girl will chop my noodles, sardine and eggs, drink my malt and walk away scot free? Am I ‘Father Christmas’ or when did I become one? Then I saw it… the nylon wraps of a little bread I had eaten earlier in the morning. I went to the nylon and picked it. It was neither too thick nor too light. I nodded my head, wore the nylon loosely over my Dick and went for the almost fully dressed lady.

The kind of expression on her face was a mixture of anger, amusement and ridicule. I didn’t give her chance to say anything. I grabbed her, pushed her on the bed and lifted up her skirt. She shouted… “What?! You want to fuck me with nylon?” I ignored her, yanked her legs apart and dived in. As I began to pound her, my dick suddenly turned into a police baton. Strangely, though I was ramming down there, I didn’t feel like pouring out. It is just like eating chewing gum without the instinct to swallow it.

The whole thing soon turned into amateur wrestling. As I pounded her, she hugged me tightly and began to play extreme piano with her finger nails on my back. After a while, she suddenly pushed me down, climbed my rod and started riding. The nylon remained in place… you know how wet clothes or nylon cleaves to the skin? Yes, that was how the nylon cleaved to my dick. She started riding my rod roughly. It is now my turn to toy with her dangling boobs.  I pressed her boobs eh, I pressed the soft loaves as if there would be no tomorrow. Then she bent over, kissing me and slammed her heavy butt against my crotch.

I noticed her pussy tighten so I turned her round, and began to dig her with gentle but hard strokes. The lady wanted to commit suicide o. She bellowed like a cow looking for her calf and started pulling at my bedspread. I was relentless. What happened next was bed quaking as she started moving to meet my thrusts midway and with a very loud cry that rent the air. Water gushed out as her pussy in forceful squirts and made a mess of my bed sheet.

I didn’t even feel like pouring out and continued to bang until I noticed the lady was exhausted. I removed my dick, wanked it and poured my holy water into the nylon. The girl went to sleep straight!

My brother and sister, I didn’t even know what I was doing. Though the thing wasn’t too sweet like drinking raw eggs mixed with honey, milk and chocolate but it tasted sweet like fried eggs. Maybe condoms aren’t made for me, maybe I didn’t use the condoms right. Whatever the case may be, I learnt something new that day; what a condom can do, nylon can do better.

I do not send anybody to deliver a message o. If you want to copycat me and go experiment with poly bag or use those see through, lean nylon they use to wrap sugar or so… if the nylon bursts inside her pussy, you’re on your own.

3. Wanking: Good Or Bad?

The issue wanking has been a front burner on the arena of sexuality morality. You don’t know what I mean by wanking? Okay, I mean, the act of self-servicing. Between serial fornication, homosexuality, and wanking, which is the worse? I know most people will say homo is the worse. But for me, I don’t think so. Homosexuality is a choice that is consciously made, same with fornication. Someone wouldn’t make a decision that he consciously knows is very bad for him. So I would say that homosexuals and serial fornicators don’t know the damage they are wrecking on humanity with their perverted choices. But as for wanking, most times when the crazy feeling comes, you don’t have any other choice than to fall in line. “Sexual urge” is a bastard.

Okay… wait, I know you might strongly disagree with me that wanking is also a choice. First of all, it is not a choice; it could be a habit or at worse an addiction. The same cannot be said of fornication where you have to strategize and plan how you are going to convince a lady to come to your crib, see her nakedness and send your third leg on a wild excursion into her dorado. You can decide whether you want to climb a babe or not and if you are a babe, you can decide whether you want to be pounded or not. But with wanking, you don’t have any choice. The urges will somehow remote control your hand to that place.  If you decide to stop, the urge would remote control your hand back there.

For me, whether wanking is bad or not depends on the motive. If someone wank just because he or she feels like playing with his/her instrument cluster, that is not good. But if you aren’t married, you don’t have a bobo or babe and sexual urge grabs you below the belt, what should one do? I have never visited a love peddler’s house I never will. God forbid I go waste my hard earned money just to put my precious dick inside public toilet when my hand and Vaseline can do the job just fine. It doesn’t make sense. If you cannot kiss a lady, you have to pay more to touch her boobs, and you can’t even hug or romance, then what is the essence of fucking her? Who wants to kiss love peddler anyway? If you try it, the rank demons that would possess you, Elijah will have to come down from heaven to cast them out with specially anointed cattle whip.

So my dear, if you have to wank, you should only do so as last resort, do it only in your own house/room and ensure the door is locked, otherwise, the kind of embarrassment that crashed on my head some years back could happen to you. Embarrassment sef is understatement. It is one day I wish I can forget about but the more I try to forget the incident; the more it cleaves to me like shell on the tortoise’s back. You want know what happened? Okay, I will gist you.

When I was still in my first year in the university, my elder sister stays close to my school. By close, I mean about 45 minute high speed bus ride. Whenever I become broke at school or need to take a short break from campus stress, it is her place I run to go chill. Now this sister, she is a choir leader in her church. Every morning and night, you must do fellowship and pray, otherwise, she won’t let you sleep in peace. Ah, I forgot to add, she stays alone in the flat so it’s only me and her in the house.

The time particular this incident happened was during the Easter break. She said she wants to go with her fiancé to his county and will be back in three days ttime. That means I’ll be the only one in the house, right? Hurray! The first night, I slept naked with open windows while fresh breeze caressed my body. Urges soon begin to disturb me little by little. The first suggestion the devil give me was that I should go bring a love peddler in but I promptly told him the crib isn’t mine, it is not right for me to bring my lady, talk less of a love peddler to my sister’s place. Even if she won’t know it’s still not right. I grabbed my sister bible began read it while occasionally shifting my gear stick. After a while, the devil got tired and left me alone. I never knew the wicked being got angry because I didn’t eat his bait to commit sacrilege so he went to his office to plan my waterloo.

When you’re alone in the house, oh man… it is very hard to resist the temptation to wank. The only way to avoid giving in is to go outdoors. The next day, I quickly took my bath, wore my clothes and go out to hang around with street boys. By 4p.m, I got tired and decided to go home. I cooked rice, took a shower ate and tried to sleep.

Sexual urges started its wahala there again. I picked my phone to browse an online forum to try take my mind off it. I saw a link to the video of a boy and gal doing serious gymnastics. Trust me nau, I download the video sharply. The video was so hot. The lady first danced vigorously on the guy’s prick like Lionel Messi does when he wants dribble an entire defense. Then the guy turned her to doggy style and began to whop her ass. The lady’s moaning voice sweetened my ear. I wished I were the one whooping her.

I didn’t know when I shifted my boxer shorts lower and began to wank. Chai, the sort of load that had accumulated in my lower tummy became so heavy. I knew if I don’t pour it out, it’ll pain me later. So I got up to lock the door, picked the door mat rag and took off my boxer shorts. I went to my sister’s room to fetch her ‘anointing oil’, baptized my dick generously with some oil, then went lay on her bed and began to wank. Oh man, the oil made things sleek and sweet like honey. I closed my eyes begin rub am harder. Then I heard something drop on the floor. I ignored the sound. Am I not the only one in the house? Then I heard my name… “Randy Man…!”

I opened my eyes only to see my sister and fiancé by the door staring at me. One more involuntary stroke and my holy water… plenty holy water came rushing out of my Dick.  The more I tried to scoop the flow with my hands, the more the hot liquid slipped between my fingers onto the bed sheet. I didn’t even remember about the rag beside me. My sister’s fiancé shook his head and walked away.

“Randy Man, see your life…! Eh…! Ah…!” were my sister’s exact next words. She opened her mouth so wide with the “ah”. You can now see why I said embarrassment is understatement? That time eh, I didn’t just know what to do. One voice told me to hide (hide where?), another voice told me to cry, another voice told me to go and die.  Satan, it shall not be better for you oh.

“Look… See how you messed my bed sheet with your pap? Don’t you know my fiancé bought that bed sheet for me? Quick… quick… go to the bathroom to wash off that rubbish… wait, where is your boxer?! ”

So it is on top this bed sheet the hypocrite guy drills my sister? My holy water has now become rubbish? There is God o. Even if I put on my boxer, how will that reduce my embarrassment? Damn! I fucked up. You know I locked the door. You might wonder how they got in. Well, my sister used her key to unlock the door from outside… leave that one. I wore a hard face and got up with my head bowed as if a pastor wants to pray for me.

“Where is your boxeeeer…?!” The way she pronounce boxer be like… leave her… it’s not her fault. If you see as she opened her eyes while staring with mouth wide at my semi-turgid Dick, the dammed thing didn’t even want to come down. Why won’t she stare when my Dick is eight inches long? Well, I reasoned that since she has seen everything, what is the use of putting on my boxer shorts? As I was sheepishly walking to the bathroom with my dizzy head (you know how it feels when you just poured out), I tripped over her handbag she dropped on the floor. She was the nearest thing I could grab for support to avoid losing my balance. Well… instinct… I grabbed her arm just as I was about to fall…

“Jeezuuzz!!!” she shrieked.

If I were still a kid, she would have flogged the day light out of me. She looked at her pap smeared arm, sniffed it…hhmmff… the next thing, the “elder sister” in her came out. She grabbed my ear, dragged me to the bathroom. She kicked the bucket under the tap and turned the tap on furiously. Well, it was my fault, wasn’t it? I broke my rule of not wanking in another person’s house. Man gotta man up and apologize.

“Aunty, I am sorry”

“If I slap you…” … then she swiftly carried the bucket and threw the water at me. Gosh… reminds me of those days she used to bathe me. Believe me, I would have been happy if she had picked sponge and soap and bathed me. Five years gap between us isn’t really much but she just wiped her hands and excused me. Next minute, my boxer shorts was flung on the bathroom door.

My people, it has happened o. Life goes on. I quickly took my bath and exit. She had changed the bed sheet and was sitting up tapping her phone. Well, I knew what she was thinking. I picked my phone and called her fiancé. The bros hailed me o… that I enjoyed myself seriously… I told him it was a mistake… he said no wahala … that he does it too before… that when I ‘grow up’, I will stop it. He asked how my sister is doing… I told him she’s very angry… he say no wahala, he will call later to calm her down but I should make up with her first as it is a ‘family matter’. I cut the call, wore my clothes and grabbed the door handle to go catch fresh air outside. The door was locked.  I began to search for my key.

Quietly… “Did you see my key?”

Looks away and quietly… “Where are going?”

Quietly… “ I want to take a stroll…”

“No, you want to run away. If you do that and motor jam you, I don’t want trouble… go and sleep.”

“That cannot happen nau.

Looks at me wearily… “I say go and sleep…”

I sighed. The next question she asked threw me off balance.

“Is this not the boy I used to bath as a baby? How did your thing become so big like that?”

This time, she starred at me. I had to look away. Well, she kept the door locked. She teased me all night that my wife is going to suffer and enjoy at the same time… how many girlfriends do I have… I shouldn’t womanize… bla bla bla… well… what’s the son of man gonna do?

4. Cameroon Pepper

There is this lady I had been scheming to pound but all my efforts to lure her to my lion’s den proved abortive. There was a time I got drenched by heavy rain and then angrily trekked home after spending all my cash on her and had no money for transport to go back home. She said she can’t date me because I am a randy person and the only condition that would make her change her mind is if I can prove that I am a changed person. So I started going to her church, read bible with her, I started wearing sleeves and all that but she still refused to give me her pussy. You might be wondering what is inside the girl that got me so hooked? You won’t understand… her hip, carriage, aura, boobies… gosh, very unique chick. I really suffered for that girl o.

Then it occurred to me that she’s taking me for granted because she thinks that I can’t do without her. So I gradually begin to keep distance from her, stopped going to her church and only call her once when the moon is blue. The strategy worked. She soon started barraging my phone with calls and text messages that she wants to see me or talk with me. Trust me nau, I gave her one excuse or the other why I can’t go to her side… sniffsshey she will pay my transport fare abi? The more she called; the more excuses I gave her. Then one Sunday, she sent me a very angry text message for not going to her church; she is right that I just wanted to chop her and go; that I am not a trust worthy person. Okay nau… I knew it was time to try fish her again. Since she has now realized that I can do without her, she’ll learn to appreciate me.

The next Tuesday evening, I decided to visit her. I dress up like a Jehovah Witness (no offense meant) and took a cab to her area. I knocked the door, nobody answered. I gently opened the door and peeped in. I saw her sleeping on the bed with short mini skirt and spaghetti top. Her back was facing me o. I tip toe entered the room hoping to surprise her. I sat beside her and gently rubbed her arm. Alas, it wasn’t her but her friend. The friend isn’t fine anyway. Her breasts looked saggy in the spaghetti top. I ask her where my crush is, she said she went to church. I said okay and begin to scope her laps while thinking whether I should try my luck to sweet talk the friend or not. I reasoned that if I try anything randy, she could tell my crush and that would mean kissing all my labor bye bye. So I got up and told her I’m leaving.

I didn’t get any call from my crush so I was somehow worried. In the evening the next day, I heard a knock on my door. As I opened the door, she was standing right there, beautiful lady with permed hair, oval face, full boobs and hip. I wanted to grab and kiss her. How I managed to keep my cool was a miracle. She entered my lion’s den and told me to sit. She removed a piece of paper from her bag and began to read out my ‘sins’ to me. I knew she is just exhibiting initial  shakara. As a gentleman, I first apologized profusely for my so called sins.

Then I turned the table back at her. I began to reel out all the services I had done for her that she didn’t show appreciation for… told her that at a point, I got discouraged and began to think I was disturbing her, that’s why I decided to give her some space. She ask why I didn’t tell her all these before… me too asked her why she didn’t tell me about my ‘sins’ before.  She said we should learn to communicate out displeasure to each other more often… I said okay o, that I am thirsty and she should gimme boobie to suck in order to quench my taste… she asked if her breasts resembles water dispenser… I just sat quietly starring at her all over in awe. That babe’s got swag and beauty mehn…

Then she got up and said she is going home. My head rang…. What?! When did I begin to behave so dull and bland?  Bush meat strolled into my den and I sit looking at it like a moron. I made up my mind that I must chop the babe that night whether she likes it or not. So I followed her o… told her we could go to one fast food restaurant go eat dinner. Sometimes I used to knock myself for being generous when it comes to taking ladies out but I wasn’t thinking about money at the time.

As we were eating, I begin to tell her sweet nonsense. All the while, she just giggled and flashed her eyelids at me. After eating, she said she want to eat barbecued beef. We went to one suya mallam stand. She ordered plenty suya and told tell the mallam to sprinkle it generously with plenty Cameroon pepper because she likes to eat pepper. In my mind, I thought… this girl want to eat all the suya alone, right? Isn’t Cameroon pepper, chilli pepper and other pepper all the same and only difference is that Cameroon pepper has darker color? No wahala… I will show her that I can eat pepper too.

When we got to her place, she put on the TV and selected one station showing those useless Malaysia romance soaps. I pretended as if I like the film too. She opened the suya and requested that we compete to see who would eat more of the Cameroon pepper laced suya. I said okay, let’s go there! I picked three pieces of meat and tossed them into my mouth. Oh boy eh, my tongue caught fire instantly! I sprang up and rushed to the fridge for cold water. The babe laughed so hard. I just wore an indifferent face and told her I was only thirsty. She got up and changed into a night gown right in front of me and then switched off the light, sat beside me and rest her head on my shoulder. Oh man, see green light…!

I would run my hand through the suya, shake the pepper off the meat and then eat it slowly. When I couldn’t take the torment in my mouth any more, I told her she has won and I’ve had enough. The babe laughed so hard again that she shed tears. Who wants to die atop Cameroon pepper? I subtly put my hand on her fresh lap begin to caress her. The babe suddenly became silent and closed her eyes. Gosh, I’ve hit jackpot! I didn’t waste any time. I shifted the night wear up to her hip and sent my hand to explore her pussy. The babe wasn’t wearing any restrictive clothing down below. I was seriously turned on. She shifted her legs apart to give me more room to explore her wonderland. Trust me nau, I begin rob and massage her pussy knob and later inserted two fingers into her marshes. She begin moan o… and the moans encouraged me to rub her faster and harder. Soon, I started hearing aahh… eehh…aahh… oohh…

Suddenly, she sat up and starred hard at me with red eyes like a gorilla whose territory had been infringed upon. Then she closed her eyes and let out another aaaasshhhh….! I instantly knew something was wrong. I asked her what is the problem? She asked me if I washed my hands before I began to finger her. I now realized that all the Cameroon pepper that had struck to my fingers and nails are now inside her pussy. Honestly, I was dumbfounded. What should I tell her now? I just sat down looking like a sheep. She scattered her hair, slapped her thighs frantically and started to cry. As I tried to comfort her, she angrily slapped my back and shouted at me to gerrout of her house. In fact, she dragged me out and slammed door on my face.

Gosh, my village witches must be at work again. Can you imagine how all my efforts just got wasted because of Cameroon pepper? Is this how that beautiful fish is going to swim through my basket trap? Which sort of fuck up is this? I was just lamenting and murmuring to myself as I walked out of the building into the streets. Then I remembered that I had forgotten my phone at the babe’s place. One voice told me to leave the phone till tomorrow, another voice told me to go back for it. I don’t think I would like to see the babe the next day so I decided to go back. As I got to her door step, I gently opened the door and peeped inside. My people, what did I see?

The babe was lying on the bed stark naked with legs spread wide open. She positioned the OX propeller standing fan to blow breeze on her pussy. Then suddenly, she moved her hand to the sacred area and begin rub and moan o. Gosh, I must pound this girl tonight! I quietly entered the room and closed the door. She was so engrossed with self-mesmerizing her pussy that she didn’t notice as I entered the room. Oh jigbi jigbi! My head scattered. I quietly took of my clothes, tiptoe over the bed and jumped on her.

She jerked with shock as she saw me. I didn’t give her time to say anything… I slotted my joystick inside her hot pussy straight away. I must confess, I have never entered pussy that is as hot as hers. Her pussy gripped my dick like suction pipe. I begin pound o. The babe began to moan sweetly that I should marry her o… she love me o… I should I fuck her o… harder harder harder harder… she grabbed my bum bum pushed me deeper inside her and raise her legs to the ceiling. I pounded her so intensely that I didn’t even know when I poured out my holy water into her.

I wanted to rest a little but she would have none of it. She climbed me, shoved dick in and began to ride me. You know how it is like when someone is rides a bicycle fast? That was how she rode me. She was muttering and reciting all manners of rubbish… say she must born twins… her body is on fire… she want to die oh… then she suddenly grabbed my neck as if she wan strangle me… rode faster…then slumped on me and began to jerk as if she’s epileptic. I just thank my stars that she’s off. Otherwise, she could have strangled me finish like Christmas chicken.

After a while, I got up and switched on the light. A good part of the bed sheet was soaked up. She waved and said I should put off the light. I did, wore my clothes, picked my phone, kissed her good night and happily dashed home.

I learnt one big lesson that day. When it comes to women, or in life generally, never give up, don’t press too hard and behind every disappointment, there is surely a blessing.

5. Same Pussy, Different Shapes


Sometimes, I do wonder why it is that the female core is like the human face. They all have different shapes… or have you seen two or three pussies with the same shape? If you have, I haven’t seen it o. Though some may have same shape when the lady is not romantically excited, but once honey begins to seep out of the fountain, that is when the pussy will now wear its real face.

Some pussy would become very fat and meaty like two mature turkey laps lumped together. Oh man, if you see the pussy right in front of you, your brain will scatter like something that hurricane Kathrina used to play. This type of pussy is very comfortable to bang. Even if you don’t want to bang, just slot your Dick inside and you’ll feel as if you are in a well furnished palace and you’re lying on a very comfortable cushion. If you fall asleep with your third leg in, that is even better… you’ll definitely have heavenly dreams.

As you begin to thrust in and out, the pussy will just hug your thing like life jacket. So the overall feeling when you’re inside a meaty or fat Pussy is almost same as when a life jacket is keeping you afloat in a swimming pool. You can perform as many aerobics you want but the pussy will just hug you throughout. If you’re thinking it is only fat or plump ladies that have this type of pussy, you’re very wrong. Slim ladies have it too. The problem is you can’t just know which lady will have fat pussy until she is horny. Same way ladies can hardly know if a guy has big dick except when the shaft is at attention.

I remember this lady a friend referred to me. She was visiting on a week’s official assignment and didn’t want to stay in a hotel so she asked my friend if he knew anyone staying in my area and my friend called me. I said okay o, she can stay with me as long as she want. Who doesn’t like better thing? When she eventually came, I treated her like a sister. She’s very gentle and jovial to be with. She would leave the house early in the morning and come back weary in the night. Sometimes I would accompany as a guide if she doesn’t her way around town.

The first five days, nothing happened o. Like I said earlier, I took her like my sister… though I do fantasize about banging her sha but I didn’t just have the courage to make the first move. Women are unpredictable. What if she didn’t like the idea?

Well, that Friday night, I was sleeping I noticed something rubbing my turgid dick. You know how it is like in the midnight when you want to pee and your thing gets erected for fairly long time before you eventually wake up. When I woke up, I saw her massaging my dick gently. My boxer looked as if a police baton is hidden inside. As I looked at her, she smiled at me. Wetin man go do?

I gently push her down, took out her boobs and begin suck them hungrily while she held onto my shaft. Then she push me down, removed dick and began to suck it o. Chai, the lady is an expert at sucking that thing. I was moaning aahh… eehh… until I shot my holy water out into her mouth. The lady smiled and began to scoop and rub my holy water like cream on the stretch marks on her hip. I was dumb founded. Then she removed her wrapper, open legs wide and whispered to me to come drill her.

As I got up and position myself between her legs… o man, what did I see? Can you imagine her pussy’s shape? Okay… it is like this; cook some noodles wholly, don’t break them o… add vegetable oil and sliced pepper… don’t add egg … you will fry omelet separately. Now get a small pot, 4 eggs, salt, dry pepper, maggi… whisk together… pour a generous amount of oil into the pot and heat it… the pour in the egg… fry until brown… don’t scatter it o…let it be in one circular shape… then gently lift the fried egg out of the pot onto a flat dish… cut the sides away and make the shape oval… then cut out a small hole in the center of the oval omelet on the dish. Now take a forkful of noodle, arrange it closely over one side of the hole… take another forkful of noodle and arrange it on the other side of the hole. That is how the lady’s pussy is like.

The lips of her pussy would wriggle as if it wants to say something as I began to tickle her swollen knob. The sort of oils the lady drooled out of that place, when I finished sucking her, it seemed like I adorned my dick with vegetable oil. She wiped my tool with her hand, pushed me on my back, sat on me and began to slide up and down while the noodle pussy lips would wriggling joyfully like worms around my dick. Hmmm… it’s okay o.

Next comes the pussy with flat, lean face. They are just flat like a wooden board. No amount of sucking, fingering or fucking will make the lips to puff out. They would remain annoyingly lean that you will feel like all your labor on it is in vain. Skinny ladies do have this type of pussy more. Maybe that is why I don’t fancy skinny ladies. If you have big joystick, I beg you don’t pound this kind of pussy too hard because the lady will be in pains.

The other ones are hard to describe but I will try. There are some pussies that will open mouth somehow like a hooked fish when the lady is romantically excited. When you’re sucking this type, the pussy will open a little such that you can see the reddish or pinkish fatty stuffs inside. Then after pounding the pussy, if you look at it again, it’ll be like you dick created a big hole in between her legs.

Then comes the next ones that are like a snail and its shell. When excited, the contents of the pussy will come out a little. Then as you begin to pound her… as you push your dick in, the pussy interior will push in, if you draw your dick out, the pussy contents will come out halfway like a snail out of its shell. If you push in, everything will go back inside again. Na wa!

The gist won’t be complete without the creamy milky yoghurt pussy. Once you enter their shop, they will generously service your dick with so much yoghurt that you will begin to wonder whether a yoghurt factory is located inside that place. And some of the yoghurts do really scent. Please don’t begin to wonder whether I lick womanly yoghurt o. Even though I can sometimes be crazy over pussy and booby matters, my craze has reached the level that I would swallow nonsense scum. Who wants to die?

Anyway, I must confess, women are really wonderfully made with a special beautiful face, tender heart, soft body, milk for chest to fill man belle, shapely bum bum to press and play with, sweet Pussy to give man heavenly feelings, smooth laps to tease with the finger nails… ah, it is okay! I want to go get marry. Excuse me… excuse me…

6. Bush Meat Catch Hunter!

There is this lady in my hood. Her name is Patty. There was really nothing special about her except that at the time, I had taken a long break from sex so I was really ‘charged’. It is in those sorts of times that a plain Jane would look like an Aishwarya Rai in the eyes. Let me describe her a bit. She’s petit… small boobs and butt but that isn’t my business.  The honey pot in between her legs is what my hungry Dick was longing for.

When I told her my ‘intentions’, she laughed and said she doesn’t think I’m up to the task. What?! Can you imagine? One frail Barbie opened her mouth and said Mr. Randy Man is not capable? She said as I am chasing her now, later I’ll be the one to run away. Why would I run away nau? I asked if she is a monster. She said yes o. I thought she was playing one of those “leave me alone/hard to get” tactics girls play on guys so I continued to toast her. Gosh, some girls can be so unreasonable. I don’t blame them anyway.

Patty likes my company, no doubt. People say I’m a funny guy. I would activate that mode whenever I get a chance to be with her. She seldom talks… most time I’ll be the one doing the talking. She would wear a lovely smile and stare at me as if I were a transistor radio. Initially, I didn’t get the signal she was trying to send until I notice she would soon get bored and excuse herself. Well, later realized it was my fault. I was expecting her to say “Okay Randy Man, come and drill me”… how dumb could I have been?

When I finally realized my blunder, the next time I had chance to be with her… when she started her dreamy stares, I landed my right hand on her lap and started drawing imaginary figures on her jeans… it looked like jeans but it is elastic. Trust me nau… I drew various imaginary dicks and boobs on her inner laps… you know that place that use to rub together when a plump lady in jeans is walking in a hurry. She would giggle, chuckle and laugh endlessly.

Soon she started to heave and sigh. I told her I’m a bit hungry and we could go to my place to prepare lunch. She said okay. Holy Smokie… in my mind, it was like I won jackpot, though I was calm outside. When we got to my place, I slotted in those romantic Amoru Talli Indian films while I dashed to the kitchen to cook noodles garnished with sardine. When I was done, I carried the dish to the bedside and asked her to do me a favor… let me feed her. She said okay, no problem. Gosh, that is why I love cool, temperate ladies. They hardly give you any trouble.

So I sat beside her and started to fork feed her o. Kai, it wasn’t easy. You don’t get me? I have a relaxed babe right in front of me that I am feeding… the emotions… eye dodging… sometimes she would gaze at me as she opened her mouth to receive the noodles. My dick was shifting anyhow in my boxer shorts like a manual gearstick. Oh boy, my blood was hot… I felt like tearing off her clothes and banging her up. But I reasoned that the world wouldn’t come to an end that day so I did things calmly. Well, I had other plans in mind.

Once the dish became empty, I cleaned up her oily mouth with a neat napkin and proceeded to the kitchen to dump the dish. From there, I went to the bathroom to shower… I’ll be dumb to let the offensive odor slowly building under my arm pits to spoil the show for me. After the shower, I put on a fresh boxer and walked up straight to the bed, sat beside her and plugged my mouth into hers. It was if she had been waiting for me to do that. We kissed for some time and then she disengaged and asked me what I am doing. Oh boy, see kindergarten question. I told her I was sucking candies from her lips and would love to suck milk from her boobs and honey from her honey pot down below.

You can imagine how she reacted? She burst into laughter. She said I shouldn’t bother because she doesn’t think I’m capable of handling her. So because I had been doing gentle- gentle, she assumed I am weak, right? Thunder fire “gentle”!  Nobody told me before I yanked off her clothes, fling my boxer in the air and plug my dick into her pussy. I said in my mind that I am going to show this girl today that I am Randy Man and not Gentle Man.

So I started pounding her o. Pounding is understatement, I rammed her. I was doing two rams in half a  second but as the thing started to sweet me, I said let me enjoy the flavor of this pussy nau. So I reduced speed to one ram per second. All the while, the girl just held my neck, clenched her teeth and was moaning “iieetch… eeiithshh… iieecitch”… as if my dick is itching her. Soon, those sweet sensations begin to congregate in my lower belly. It didn’t take time before I poured out. That was when I remembered I didn’t even use condom. Oh my bad. I withdrew my dick and fired out my holy water on her belly while panting heavily. Luckily, the napkin I used to wipe her lip was still at the bedside. She used it to wipe off my yoghurt.

As I lay on the bed panting quietly, Patty started to giggle and frown at the same time. I asked her what is the problem? She said she told me earlier that I wasn’t capable… I shouldn’t have bothered myself. Kai, her words landed in my ears like a hot slap. I told her to calm down, first round isn’t usually long… she should give me five minutes to reinvigorate myself. I drew her closer and begin to play piano on her labials while I chewed her nipple with my lips.

Trust my tool. It didn’t take long for my dick to regain turgidity. This time around, I swore I would show the girl no mercy. I pinned her legs to her chest, drove my tool in as far as it could go and begin to ram her again. I made sure the bed would quiver with each contact my groin made with her butt. I would hold my breath for a few seconds, ram her thoroughly, breathe in some air, hold my breath and ram her again.

It didn’t take long before my thigh and calf begin to pain me. Time to change position. I drew her to the edge of the bed, yanked her legs wide apart, dived in and pounded her as hard and fast as I could. The girl shouted at the top of her voice. I was like… eh eh… is this not the same mouth that was mocking me a few minutes ago? The louder she screamed, the harder I rammed her. Then I heard “fraammm” from under the bed. I paused to check where the sound came from. The bed sheet has torn o.

Well, that is a small matter. I told her to stand up, touch the ground, shoved my tool in and grabbed up her legs like wheelbarrow. Only her hands were touching the ground o. I switched from pounding mode to piston mode… you know how piston moves in an engine nau. The girl wouldn’t let me hear word. She was screaming as if she just saw her paternal great grand mama on the floor. What concern me? I did my business diligently on her pussy.

To cut long story short, after the second round, I was completely exhausted. My back ached so badly. I couldn’t even move my legs. It was like I was the one being pounded … she pounded me. My shoulder and arms, I can’t describe the pain there. As for Patty, she just lay down quietly starring at the ceiling. Soon, she picked up the remote and continued watching her film. Me. I don’t want trouble o. I quietly left her and pretended to be asleep.

When the film ended, she tapped me awake and said “common let’s continue nau”. Oh my, I am doomed! See me see trouble. I said okay o… let’s continue. But to my chagrin, I couldn’t even sit up. I raised up my limp joystick and told her to sit on it. The stupid girl went to the kitchen, retuned with oil, anointed my dick and began to stroke it. To my utmost disappointment, the greedy thing stood up. Chai, is this how my back is going to suffer again? She wasted no time in climbing my rod and began to slam her pussy against my hip.

Rather than enjoy the free ride, I prayed fervently in my mind that my dick would burst into her womb, she would groan in pain and let me be. For where? I soon got tired of praying and hoped she would become exhausted too but I was also disappointed. I began to drive my butt deeper into the bed instead of raising my hip to meet hers. I never knew some girls can be so wicked. She turned around into reverse cowgirl and began to slam me even harder. Oh my… the pain in my thighs… I wanted to die but pride wouldn’t just let me shout. I started to groan in pain. The useless girl thought I was enjoying it and began to slam even harder. It is now my turn to clench my teeth and groan… ietch… iieettcchh… iiieeetttccchhh!

After about twenty minutes, I wasn’t comfortable anymore. Every movement she made up and down sent painful pulses from my cap to my dry balls. But I would rather die that open up that she defeated me. I laid down there and spread out my hands as if I wanted to give up the ghost. Suddenly, she stopped grinding and stood up as if something was wrong. It course, something had gone wrong. Dick had gone limp and shining red like an earthworm bathed in salt. She now looked at me arms akimbo and asked “what is the matter”?  I couldn’t even utter a word in reply.

She smiled at me, picked up her clothes and wore them. She said it’s getting dark… I should go bathroom to freshen up and see her off. As if she wanted to confirm if I had been completely annihilated, she grabbed my hand and drew me up. My back caught fire. I let out a groan. She said “Randy Man see your yourself o, didn’t I warn you before”? With those words, Patty wore her sandals and skipped out of my room.

Now I can feel Tom’s pains. Despite of all his efforts to nab weakling Jerry, he ends up being catch in the traps he set with his own hands. When you look at women, you will start thinking how delicate those curves are… how soft their bone is… bla bla bla. Behind those soft bones is a very resilient spirit that most burly men can’t compete against. That is why a woman can endure a lot of bull shit that men would run away from. When you think you have all the power only for one weakling who has taken enough bashes to come out victorious against you in the end… it not just fair!


7. The Weed Connection

The next few days, in my mind, I was inconsolable. A girl had never beaten me in bed before so Patty’s blow was like a real knock out. Though I still called her, I tried all I could to avoid physically meeting with her. I couldn’t just bear the shame. Imagine if David had thoroughly beaten up Goliath instead of killing him, would Goliath have the courage to look up to David’s eyes again? Certainly not!

So I began to plan my revenge o. I researched and saw lots of pounding styles. Before, I used to think I knew all the sex styles in the world but I was very wrong. Different search engines yielded new clues. Let me tell you one thing anyway… I didn’t for once knowingly visit an indecency website or download indecency. It is up to you to believe it or not. Using indecency materials as learning tool for sexual improvement is like fetching water in a basket. Instead of learning, when it’s all over, you won’t even remember what you’ve watched. So you will want to download another indecency again. The circle continues until your whole system is filled up with useless filthy lucre that you will have no other choice than to delete your collection of porn when you have become ashamed of watching indecency. In the end, lots of gigabytes end up being wasted on nothing.

While I was doing my research gently, one weed smoking neighbor came to borrow matches to light his weed. I wanted to slap sense into his scattered head for coming to disturb me but I decided that I wasn’t ready for the brouhaha that would follow. I left the guy at the door and went to the kitchen to fetches a lighter. WHen i stepped out of the kitchen, I met the guy in my room peering crazily at the images on my laptop. Which kind nonsense is this nau? The guy asked me… “bros, what is this”? I told him they were some kung fu styles. The guy said I am lying, that he knows all those things. I opened my eyes wide… really? Tell me more!

So the guy began to lecture me about the various the various styles he used to pummel the wayward girls that used to flock to his room for extraordinary servicing. I asked him where he got the strength or is it stamina to execute all those things. He laughed and said that is why he smokes weed. According to him, weed, after being consumed makes ladies feel high and very relaxed while it makes guys feel vigorous bursts of energy. But me, I don’t smoke weed and I have no idea of how to make Patty take it so how can I harvest this weed power? He just waved into the air and said that is no problem. He said there are many ways I can take weed without smoking it. I could soak it up in gin or 7up/Sprite and drink it, or I could add it as vegetable to whatever I want to cook and eat it.

The guy can ‘talk’ o. Well, I agreed to try the weed angle but I wouldn’t like to be reeking of gin just before getting down on Patty and neither do I fancy the sugary stuffs in those soft drinks so I decided to take the vegetable route. I gave the guy money to buy me weed and told him to keep the change. The guy began to hail me o. He was becoming a nuisance so I grabbed him by his beltless jeans and dragged him out of my room. In the evening time, he returned with two small wraps of weed. I just collected the packages and slammed the door shut on his face. I was annoyed because I expected him to return with a bag full of vegetables but the wraps brought could barely fill my hands.

I became somehow excited though. Now I can look Patty in the face without fear. I picked up my phone, loaded e-airtime and spent one hour calling her to book a rematch. I hide the weed away in my cupboard returned to the room and began to shadow practice all the missiles I intended to unleash on Patty’s pussy.

Around dusk the next day, Patty eventually came with a frown on her face. She told me categorically that she wasn’t happy with the fact that I avoided her after we had sex… that if she had known, she would have kept me in her friend zone. Ha babe, calm down nau. I began to apologize and say sorry to the petit girl o… all because of pussy. She said okay no problem, brought out one of those annoying Indo-Malaysian unromantic DVDs and began to watch. I asked her what she would like to eat. She said she’s okay. Oh man, this girl wants to pour sand into my cornflakes? I told her reply is not acceptable. She shrugged and said I could prepare noodles. In my mind I was happy. I said “you this girl, I will teach you a serious lesson you will not forget in a hurry… ‘your own’ has finished today”!

So I dashed to the kitchen to prepare the noodles o. I took out the weed aka cannabis sativa, marijuana, ganja; emptied the two little wraps in a basin and washed them thoroughly. One voice in my mind said I should use only one wrap because weed is a hard drug but I reasoned that since I wasn’t smoking it and moreover, I’ll be using it as a vegetable, two wraps is just okay. I dumped the thing into boiling water, dropped in three noodles, oil, pepper, seasoning, sardine etc. Soon the whole room was filled with sweet aroma.

I carried the food to the room with two cans of chilled Bullet Energy drink. I didn’t even bother to ask Patty if I should feed her. I just grabbed my fork and began to gobble the thing that would make me a superman. Oh man, I never knew that food prepared with weed could be so delicious. I regretted that I should have given the guy money to buy three wraps of weed instead of two. What about Patty? She was more interested in the movie she was watching than the food before her so she ate very little slowly.

After eating, I opened the Bullet and gulped it. As I stood up to go drop the dish in the kitchen, I felt like I was floating in the air. Suddenly, I was no longer bound by the laws of gravity. Oh yes, that is good! So I floated like that thing in Ghost Busters to the kitchen, dumped the plate in the sink and turned around. I felt so big… like a huge bull dog in a cage meant for a puppy. The kitchen became like prison. I busted out to the room. There is Patty relaxed on the floor. She looked like an ant. This is unbelievable! How am I going to fuck an ant? Afraid that I might crush her with my giant feet if I moved rashly, I gently bent down and lay beside Patty. Just then, she sat up and looked at me awkwardly. She now looks bigger; her shoulder is almost at the lintel level while her head seemed to be touching the ceiling.

Oh good gracious… why is this happening to me? I began to sweat profusely even though the fan was at top speed. Then a combination of extreme heat and cold both hit me at the same time. To handle with the heat, I stripped off all my clothes and to cope with the cold, I managed to grab the blanket and cover myself with it. Those were the last things I could remember.

The next day I woke up with a kind of hunger I have never seen before in my life. My head was so dizzy. I searched around for my phone to check the time. It’s almost mid day!



8.The Failure To Rise

The next few days, I became a sober person. I hated myself so much that I started going to church just to make myself happy. One thing I don’t understand, and I don’t think I will ever understand, is how a man can take hard drugs and still be sane enough to precisely execute a task. All those guys who drink all manners of concoctions, sniff crazy stuffs and swallow Viagra or Tramadol just because they want to bang pussy, how do they do it with straight head? Well, I don’t want to know and I don’t care to know. The more you try out those stuffs hoping to unlock their ultimate secret, the messier you ultimately become.

Patty called to ask how I was feeling. I didn’t even know what to tell her. I just mumbled some mumbo jumbo about being down with malaria. She now asked one silly question, that “from where did I hire a mosquito to bite me in the dry season’? Well, I’m not good at lying so I just changed the topic. She reminded me about the rematch and that she is waiting to beat me again on my bed.

Gosh, my dick instantly stood at attention. This girl has now reduced me to mockery status? I swore back at her… “if they born you well, come to my crib tomorrow evening. If you can still get up and walk when I’m done battering your pussy, I will give you seventy dollars!” I have never heard anyone laugh so hard on the phone. We couldn’t have any meaningful conversation anymore because she won’t stop laughing. I was really angry and felt insulted by her challenge. A whole me, Mr. Randy Man being belittled by a petit pussy? The world will definitely end soon!

I took her challenge with all the seriousness the FBI would attach to a terrorist threat. I made sure I slept well through the night. The next day, I went the ATM to withdraw a hundred dollars… it was actually my last card. The last thing I would ever do is to gamble with my precious money on anything… I detest gambling and I hate gamblers. But I had my dignity at stake so fuck the money.

I was really anxious about how the match would go so I began to plan my strategy early. I wanted to hit the ground running and keep running for about thirty minutes before pouring out. The only way to achieve that is to avoid round 1. I picked up my phone, called her and asked when she would be coming over. She said after closing from work and she hoped I have the seventy dollars with me because without it, I won’t even see her brassiere. This time around, I didn’t feel insulted. I saw it as a rat asking the house owner if he had set a large piece of cheese on the mouse trap. I took a selfie with the money and sent the pix to her.

#SkipRound1…! About thirty minutes to six, I went to the bathroom, brought out my eight inches dick and began to wank. You might wonder why I decide to wank when I ought to have saved my energy for the rainy hour. Well, it would be impossible to pound for ten minutes straight, talk less of thirty or forty minutes with my balls eagerly waiting to discharge its first load so I better pour out the thing before it embarrasses me. After wanking, I took a shower and relaxed on the bed waiting impatiently for my victim to arrive.

And Patty eventually came. I jumped at her and would have rushed her but she held me off and said she just closed from work and is hungry… it wouldn’t be fair if I pounded her on her empty tummy. I said okay o… you can go to the kitchen to cook whatever you like to eat. She went to the kitchen to boil water for noodles, then returned to the room and said she wanted to suck my dick. Who doesn’t like good thing? I said okay o, you can suck. She brought the stick out of my boxer and began to suck and chew it with the roof of her mouth. She would intermittently dash off to the kitchen to check what she was cooking.

When she was done with cooking, she invited me to join her. I wasn’t really hungry so I only ate a bit. Come and see this girl o. She would eat hot noodles, then suck my dick with her very warm mouth. The feeling was heavenly. You know what it is like when you plunge your tool into a super hot pussy? It felt like that. In my mind, I never wanted the extraordinary mouth-action to end but I have a war to prosecute and shouldn’t become too comfortable. I told her… “you this girl, you are wasting time o…” She said sorry, I shouldn’t vex. She now took the last forkful of noodles, decorated my joystick with it and ate the noodles from there. I didn’t know whether to envy or pity the man that will marry this girl.

She pushed the dish aside and asked me to put the seventy dollars on the DVD player. I flung my wallet at her. She gleefully counted out the notes and placed it under the DVD player, took off her clothes and jumped into the bed with me. She asked me to suck her mango breasts. I sucked her boobies the same way she sucked my dick. She wouldn’t stop wriggling like a worm under my body. Then she lifted up her legs and clasped them on my back. Action time!

I promptly grabbed my dick and shoved it into her pussy. This time, I didn’t ram o. I intended to wear her out slowly. I kept my cool and started to count every stroke I made in my mind… 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9… I had barely counted to about 250 when I began to feel the urge to pour out. Ha! That would definitely ruin everything for me. I began to regret that I shouldn’t have allowed Patty suck my dick before. I became anxious, if not afraid to pour out but every stroke I sent in made things worse.

I started grinding my hip against hers slowly instead of pounding while thinking about the most irritating things… the most annoying people… awful experiences I’ve had and a host of other unpleasant thought. I counted up to about 320 when the useless girl suddenly pressed my butt in with her legs and clenched her muscles around my meat pie. In this circumstance, there is little I could do to withhold the flow. Holy water came rushing out happily.

Patty sighed. Disappointment was written all over her face though she tried not to show it. All of suddenly, I wasn’t interested in pounding anymore. The anxiety in my mind made me nervous. I laid flat on my back while she climbed on top. At first, all seemed to be well. Suddenly, the most dreadful thing all men hate in bed happened. My dick seemed content for the day and abruptly went AWOL!

Ha, this can’t be happening! It was like a nightmare. Seventy dollars is not beans o! I almost check Patty’s pussy to see if there is something fishy inside. I shoved her aside and went to the bathroom. I baptized my dick with anointing oil and jerked it off but the thing refused to budge. After trying relentlessly to raise it, I thought maybe Patty’s mouth would do a better job. I sighed and exited the bathroom.

In the room, my people, what did I see? There was no trace of Patty anywhere. I wonder how long I spent in the bathroom… even the bed sheet was neatly laid. Gosh… my money is gone! Seventy dollars on top of nothing!


9. The Older Lady


The first time I was privileged to pound an older lady was shortly after my final high school examinations and the holiday that comes with it. There was this tall and big lady. Her name is Agnes. She’s got wonderful boobs that came to spend her annual leave with her elder sister whose flat is adjacent ours. As a humble ‘computer geek’ back then, Aunty Agnes (that’s what I call her) asked me if I could teach her how to use a computer because she isn’t computer literate. At the time, computers were quite expensive so not many people had access to them.

So I went in to Aunty Agnes’s flat with my heavy, big for nothing laptop, we had to sit close together as I demonstrated to her how to use the touchpad and later plugged in a mouse when she had difficulty mastering the touchpad. The next day I went in again, only Agnes was at home. I recall I was teaching her how to use Mavis Beacon. As I was demonstrating the practical to her, Agnes would lean forward to watch my fingers and in the process, her breasts would rub my back. Then when she it was her turn to do some practice, if I wanted to correct her, I would use style to rub her breasts with her arm. She didn’t complain.

You know I like breasts nah. When the thing almost scattered my head, I grabbed her breasts and started t caress them. Agnes just stared at me like a statue, she didn’t complain. The I dragged her to the bedroom and kissed her body from north to south. When I opened her pant to kiss her pussy, she suddenly slapped my hands off and seriously warned me not to try it again because she is engaged. In my mind, I was like… What concern me with that? If you like, be entangled, it’s none of my business. As my Dickson is now hard, I must do her today. So I took off my shorts and pointed my spear into her face.

Bros, when I touched her pussy again, Agnes was wet like a drenched cloth. When I eventually entered her, gosh, her pussy was very sweet. If you see how she swirled her hip and contracted her pussy on my dick… I almost died from pleasure. To make things better, Agnes is the insatiable type. After doing round one and we return to the laptop to continue our lesson, she’ll want to do round two. That was how I took up two jobs o, teaching computer and servicing pussy at same time until Agnes left. I swear, mature women are very sweet.

The second time I had a taste of mature pussy was when I started working at a datacenter. There was this lady who is a regular customer in my workplace. She likes me very much and would buy me stuffs anytime she comes to transact business. We would sit and chat about everything under the sun till closing time. Then she would hug me, kiss me and peck me before leaving. Of course, I took all that as a play… in fact, I saw her as an elder sister.

I related the weed incident to her. She said marijuana is a very potent drug and I should thank my stars that I’m still sane… that I ought to have cooked only half of a wrap or at most, one wrap for me and Patty. In plain medical terms, I took overdose. I knew it is potent, okay. I have seen guys go lunatic after excessive smoking of weed. I thought taking little only applied to smoking it. Well, if not for the bastard of a neighbor, it wouldn’t have crossed my mind in the first place.

When she was leaving, she pecked me on the cheek as usual and followed up with a hug. As her boobs squeezed against my chest, I suddenly felt ‘something’. From then on, I would eagerly anticipate the next time she would visit. There’s something special about a hug… you know… it’s a way of letting the other person know that you care. But the word ‘care’ means different things to different people. To children, it means someone who will bathe, cook, wash and clean up their mess; to parents, it means paying bills; to young ladies, it means money; to young men… hmmm… I can’t really speak for all men so I humbly apologize, I will keep quiet.

A colleague at work soon began to tease me about the lady and asked if I had any plans in mind for her. I said none… I see her as a sister. He said that’s fine… that he couldn’t imagine me humping such an old woman. I wondered what he meant by old. I don’t see how a beautiful lady in her mid thirties is old, do you? I asked him how old is too old? He said anything above thirty in skirt is old. I now threw a question at him: if every woman above thirty is old, then who will be servicing the ‘above thirty’ ladies? He laughed and said it is his responsibility to take care of them. I felt like smacking his fat lips.

I got the idiot’s subtle message anyway. I’m very sure that in his mind, he was telling me: hey Randy Man, you either bang that mama fast or I’ll bang her for you. Gosh, one of the things I hate most in this world is to see able bodies men competing for a woman when there are tons of better women out there longing for a man to call their own. I said in my mind that I wouldn’t compete with the rascal for May… that’s her name. She’s mine and he should learn to respect my ‘territory’.

On the other hand, another school of thought made me reason that women aren’t like that. They won’t stick with you perpetually if you don’t act upon their recurring subtle request. What I didn’t however know is what is really on the woman’s mind. And I hate that bull shit about women. Only few of them will come out of their shell and tell you their true intention. The rest will keep mute, giggle randomly and expect you to become an emergency soothsayer.

The next time May came over and hugged me, my randy head went to work. As she made contact with my chest, my hands went to her upper butt and squeezed the place somehow. She jerked back as if she’s shocked, stared at me for a while and hurried out of my office. For the next few hours, I couldn’t stop feeling guilty for my ‘despicable behavior’. Later in the night, I called her to ask how her evening was going. She said fine. Then I asked her if she’s angry with me about the butt squeeze. She asked me… hmmm… why did you do it? I told her it was instinct. She said okay, she’s not angry with me.

Then I turned the question round. I asked her why she always hugs me. She said okay o, I will stop hugging you. I said ha, I didn’t say you should stop nau. I just want to know what she has in mind. She threw the question back at me. Women…! I told her that a colleague asked me if we had anything going on between us because he’s interested in banging her. I told her I wouldn’t be happy if that happens. She asked why wouldn’t I be happy? I said it’ll be like someone stole my last card right from my wallet.

She laughed… she said I’m taking things too serious. I said maybe, we could change topic. She then asked me what I really want… as in… do I want her? For the next few seconds, I couldn’t utter a word. Then… I said yes. She said okay we’ll talk later. I wished her good night and cut off the line.

The next Saturday, I called her to ask if I could pay her a visit. She was happy. I freshened up, wore my best clothes and headed out to her area. When I got to her place, I couldn’t believe she’s in her mid thirties. She looked far younger than that. She hugged me at the door and followed up with a peck. Of course I didn’t squeeze her bum o. I am a gentleman. She was wearing a tank top and Nike sports shorts. After some talks and teasing, she set before me a very delicious meal. Gosh, men are blind. Here’s a beautiful, sexy and homely lady wasting away and men are busy chasing arrogant, strong headed teen girls. That’s very sad.

After eating, May sat beside me while I was watching TV and lay her head on my shoulder. It’s obvious she’s very lonely. I pulled her closer to, kissed her forehead and massaged her fingers. Before you say ‘Jack Masala’ my hand found its way to her lap. I began to draw my famous imaginary figures on her soft laps. Hmmm… you can imagine how soft and tender those laps are. They felt like soft bread and like bread, I wanted to eat them. I kneeled before her, parted her legs slightly and began to suck her inner thigh with my lips. I was so carried away that by the time she stopped me, she shorts were well behind her bum.

Her laps was gleaming and shining. Some spots were pink. However, her facial expression was something else. When she pulled my head off, on her face was a very hostile frown. I wondered why. I got up, sat beside her and gentle began to kiss her neck. Then my hands went to her breasts. They were very soft to touch too with long, pointed nipples. I raised her top and sucked her nipples like a baby. She massaged my head all through.

When I couldn’t bear the pain inside my trouser anymore, I carried her up in my arms and asked for her bedroom. She said no word… just closed her eyes. I went in the direction of the room I had seen her going in and out from. Her room is so neat, orderly and well scented. I gently put her down on the bed and pulled off her shorts. She isn’t wearing any pant… apparently, the shorts came with its own built in pant or whatever. Her whole labials glowed pink and shiny though somehow bushy with pubic hair. I stared speechless at the wonder before me. She shyly raised her feet and closed her legs.

I smiled at her and took off my clothes.  When she saw my dick, she let out a wow and beckoned me to come closer so she could feel it. She gently held the rod and stroked it. I took her hand off, parted her legs to take another look at her pussy. It seemed as if her female-core was under water. I proceeded to perform mouth to mouth resuscitation on the nose shouting for help above the marshes. The more I sucked, the more juice and honey flowed out. She soon told me to stop because the thing has become too sensitive. I searched out my wallet, picked out a little nylon ‘camouflage’ condom and wore it over my dick. As I entered into her wet orifice, it felt so warm, hot and slippery. The grip wasn’t like Patty’s but I could still feel it. I didn’t want to hurt her so thrust gently and deeply. She closed her eyes and began to breathe heavily… no moans.

I asked her if she wanted me to pound faster. She nodded yes. I shifted to gear 2. She started to hum and hum while wriggling. After a while, I asked her if she wanted me to go faster. She nodded yes again so I shifted to gear 3. You can guess her reaction… she began to let out long haaaas. It was somehow emotional watching her quiver, moan and groan all at the same time. I felt her opened legs were somehow spoiling the show so I withdrew my dick, turned her on her side, moved her legs up into letter L, entered from the rear and began to pound.

She started to cry. Not just cry, she wept. About three minutes later, she tore her legs apart and shot out a fountain of pee into the air. I clasped her legs together again and continued to lash her bum. Soon, the whole business became really slippery. I had to change position again. I put her on her knees and spanked her silly. I soon poured out.

I told her she we just started. I sucked her nipples. The boobs were of no particular interest to me. Please don’t ask me why. The pointy nipples were just okay for me. When she had stopped sobbing, I fetched another nylon from my wallet, wore it over my dick, carried her onto her makeup table and laid her back on it. Then I entered the place again. I started from gear 1 again and gradually shifted to gear 3. That babe can squirt mehn… she baptized my tummy generously with her shots. Then… I didn’t see it coming, she started to dry up… until I couldn’t move in and out freely again. She couldn’t even get up after that. She just lay haplessly on the table. I had to carry her back to the bed where she dozed off immediately.

She later told me about some guys who had sex with her and never called back again. One of them rudely told her he can’t date a snail. The statement hurt her deeply and she took a very long break from sex. I would be the first to bash her after about two years. I assured her that she’s perfectly normal. That she only needed a guy who is fascinated about female ejaculation as not all men fancy it… you know why… the slippery aspect.

That is how I got steady supply of mature pussy for about eight months until she met this guy. When he told her he liked her, I told May not to give in easily to him… let him chase you… and he chased her… and when he caught her… we stopped poking each other.



10. I Love Breasts!

Let me start this talk with the adage that say’s one man’s lovely dog is another man’s pepper soup or… barbecue. What a guy could be crazy about in women could mean nothing or even disgust the next guy. So if you’re a guy and you do not fancy breasts or your guy does not fancy breasts, No shaking… nothing do you. Secondly, I am afraid some people who can’t control their mind would definitely get spoilt after reading this peace. If you are one of them and you go bite off a lady’s boob thinking it tastes like cheese, OYO… don’t call me or mention my name o.

Now back to the main gist. When you ask guys which part of the womanly body they like most, you’ll never get a straight majority answer. Some would say they love the breasts, some the ass, some the pussy, some just like a beautiful face. I very much understand why it is so. If all men love one spec of women only, there’ll be chaos everywhere. It is already happening.

Women no longer feel secure with their body. They would go to the extreme to look anorexic or even skeletal all because they want to be appealing to men. Strangely, it is the women themselves that are promoting all these body degrading stunts because they want their ‘style’ to be acceptable by other women. It’s only naïve girls who are gullible that blindly follow those trends. It’s all about money. The fashion industry promotes slim ladies clothes because they save a lot more on fabrics and hence make more money than if they’ll be making clothes for endomorph or mesomorph folks.

Forgive my digression… back to the matter. I have always had inordinate fascination for big boob ladies since I was a kid. I don’t know why but I just love it that way. While my friends would ogle at bum bums, I would stare at the oranges. Oranges… Grapes… Paw paws… Watermelons… Yes!

Now let me tell you why I love breasts as against other equally tantalizing areas. First of all, the boobs define womanhood. Without ( o ) ( o ) s, there would really be no way you can know at first glance if someone is a man or a woman! Hey, don’t crucify me o. Just let me ask you a question. How would you identify a mature lady 18 and above, if she is dressed in normal jeans, sleeve and wore a baseball cap at first glance? It is by something that most women cannot hide; the front package! If you still disagree, call a kid below ten years, draw up figures with plain and slightly rounded chest and ask the kid to identify the woman. Game over!

Then comes the ‘matured’ angled, pussy is sweet no doubt. But to men, it is only useful to the joystick. If for some reasons, the joystick is unable to rise up, cannot perform or just unavailable… whichever angle you look at it, the pussy is useless… to men.  As for the backside, it’s just there for plain decoration and passing out of shit. It is the same shit that a small or flat butt will pass out that a figure 8 butt will still pass out so there is nothing there… except some perverted, corrupted and self-centered motherfuckers with long ostrich throat who prefer dry desert to lush green temperate rain forest might fancy the place.

Now let’s talk about breasts proper. The boobs are multi-purpose. Their use is vast. Let me reel some them out. Identification (crime, person description), attraction, seduction, marketing, espionage (you could clip those tiny gadgets around the nipples and shied from detection with a special bra), nurturing (babies), nutrition (milk), boob fucking, socio-political protests, civil disturbance, toy, arts, etc. Now tell me if you can do half of all these with the butt and pussy combined.

Chai, breasts is sweet to eat o. Long time ago, I went to an uncle’s place for holiday. They were having a kind of celebration or so. Someone gave him a nursing goat to slaughter. I was privileged to be among those who dressed the goat in preparation for her marriage to the soup pot. Trust guys nau… we couldn’t stop pressing the breasts to feel how soft and foamy the place is. As the main boy cut open the breasts, milk gushed out. We were shocked. For a while, we didn’t know what to do. One of us went to call my uncle’s wife. She flared up and spanked the boys within her reach for wasting time. She grabbed a knife, cut the breasts into pieces, washed her hands and hurried away to join the people dancing.

When the food was ready, the women serving the guests nearly threw the breast parts away. They said it is just fats. I carried my dish there and told them to put all the ‘fatty’ pieces there. The women looked at me awkwardly and gave me my wish. When I took my first bite if the meat… oh lala… it’s so delicious and yummy. How can I describe the taste? Let me exaggerate a little… it tasted like cheese, chicken, turkey and duck laps and pork (without the fat) all fused together!

Now it’s very hard, if not impossible to get goat/cow breast meat in the market. You’ll have to go to the farms to buy the animal live or pay the butchers top dollar to reserve it for you.

Maybe that is why it is better to be female than to be male in this world. As with animal husbandry, so is it with humans. Terrorists could kill as many boys and men as they wish and nobody will bathe an eyelid. But if a couple of girls go missing, the world will shout. In the war front, men get killed anyhow. In the farms, some farmers don’t even keep male stocks. They slaughter them off and reserve the females. Later, some people will open mouth and say it is a man’s world. If I hear!

Back to bedmatics, there’s this babe I toasted and eventually fell for me. Normally, I was just thinking of how I would pound her pussy silly. When she came and the game started, I took off her tops. My eyes nearly flew out when I saw her boobs. They were perfect domes with one inch nipples at the tip. I just forget about pounding, pushed her down and began to suck booby o. I sucked so much that she momentarily held my head up and asked me if my mom didn’t breast feed me when I was a baby. Come and see German question!

She said she is hungry. Girls are always hungry before fucking! I don’t know why. I dashed to the bathroom to prepare their favorite food… noodles garnished with fried eggs and sardines. While we were eating, a weird idea suddenly flew into my head. I cut out my chop into another dish and put under the fan to cool while I sucked her boobs as she ate. When she finished eating, it is now my turn to eat o. I laid her down dipped the forks into the noodle… decorated her chest… and… I ate the noodles from her breasts! Oh man, come and see enjoyment!

I never wanted the noodle to finish but it eventually did. So sad. Then the lady began to pester me to pound her. I said okay o. I put dick in between her boobs, slammed them together and rode her like a horse till I poured out holy water all over her neck. She now protested and said she want to go. I begged her and said she shouldn’t worry. I pinned her down and gave her the banging of her life. The boobs actually gingered me. I wanted to see how fast they could bounce so I pounded her leisurely. The way the balls danced about was so amusing. When it seemed like I was never going to come, she begged me to stop. I took pity of her and gave her a break.

She was so worn out that night she couldn’t go home. Well, that was good for me. I sucked her breasts all night! The next morning, her boobs had expanded thrice the last size and became so heavy that her bra didn’t fit. I missed that lady so much. Her type is rare to find.

Oh, I nearly forgot. With due regards to the boob size men prefer most, there is really nothing like most preferred though men do fancy various sizes. I fancy anything from medium to large. Anything small is hard to manipulate if you have big palms and become virtually flat when the woman is in her forties while very big taste like rubber in the mouth and can be a mess if you make love with your wife when she is nursing. I know guys who feel intimidated by big boobs and only date girls with small boobs. Some guys aren’t just moved by big boobs.

So to the ladies, the shape or size doesn’t really matter to most men. So far as your boobs are soft to touch, aren’t flat like table tops and the nipples come out when called to action; you’re very okay… and good to go!

I must confess that some boobs can be tasteless and unpalatable though. There was this busty lady I was opportune to pound. In my mind as we were headed to my place, I couldn’t wait to open my wide mouth, swallow half of a boob and munch the areola and nipples between my tongue and the roof of my mouth. The way she packaged her chest alone gave me permanent hard-on in the car.

When we got to my place, trust me, I didn’t waste time before I locked her into an embrace and dived my cunning head into her bra. Before you recite twinkle twinkle little star, she was topless. Her breasts were like giant grapes… say 34 DD or so…  I beg forgive me if I didn’t get the measurement right… I don’t wear bra nau. I lifted her off her feet, gently put her on the bed and sat on her hip. Then I bent down to suck her breasts o. As I swallowed half of her right boob like I had fantasized in my mind, oh boy… it was… like rubber.

You don’t get me? Okay, try get a balloon, inflate it fully, tie it up, then suck at the end of the balloon. How does it feel in your mouth? That was exactly how her boob tasted like. I tried her left boob to see if the flavor is different but I was disappointed. Well, I had to stop sucking and find another use for her boobs. Guess what I did with them? One minute I used them to play piano, next minute I used them to knead flour… and I enjoyed the play!


11. Olympus Has Fallen

     I do not really know much about Olympus. I can’t even say when it was in its prime or when it fell. But I certainly know that Olympus was great in its prime. Well, it is fairly normal for cities to rise and fall over time. Most of the cities adorned with long stretches of skyscraper now were once mere villages or trade routes. Who know what New York, Tokyo or Paris would look like in five hundred years time? Do not rush into conclusion and say those cities would be tarred with gold by then because no one knows tomorrow. If you could travel back in time and tell the Egyptians, Assyrians, Babylonians and the world powers back then that their cities would be in ruins in years to come, would they believe you? They would laugh at you. Same way you can’t say what will become of our present day ‘Babylons’ and “Assyrias’ in the next five hundred years.

Now let me digress no more… and let me be blunt; boobs are like cities. They all started from something very small. For a very long time, they remained just flat plains. Then the rains begin to fall and the twin cities start to rise. Some rise a little and stop rising. Some rise big and decided their size is okay so they stopped growing. Some others continued to grow so big that they needed heavy support and costly maintenance. But like cities, one thing is also certain for breasts- they’re all going to fall one day.

While some fall slowly, others fall rapidly. Why they fall at various unpredictable times is what is most disappointing. More annoying is the fact that the owners of twin cities nowadays don’t even know how to take good care of them so the fall faster than expected.  If not for bra, what we’ll be seeing on women’s chest today, the mouth cannot describe.

Due to my love for boobs, I have fallen into many boob scams likewise. Imagine you see an SUV at a car dealer’s shop. The specs are all great… V8 engine with top speed of 280 km/hr and all that. You test drive the SUV and it drives just great. So you bring out your purse and pay for the car. The next day, you started the car and it refuses to start. Then you climb out of the truck and open the hood. Everything looks neat and fine. You decide to probe further, fetch a spanner and open the plastic engine cover only to see a tiny motorcycle engine in your ‘Jeep’!

What would you do in this scenario? You’ll probably grab your spanner in rage, dash to the dealer’s showroom and administer some cool spanner knocks on the dealer’s stupid head. Or you could sue the shop. But when it comes to boob scams, once you’re scammed, even if you have spent millions of dollars on the lady, there’s absolutely nothing you can do when you eventually discover that she’s got fake boobs. You can’t beat up the lady in anger because a simple 911 will land you in jail and you can’t sue her- that would be embarrassing!

The first time I was boob scammed, people called me ‘wicked’ for long time because of the way I reacted. The lady in particular is beautiful and sexy. She has everything you could want in a woman. I toasted her for a long time and spent heavily on her while trying to impress her. Eventually, she started talking about love. What has a fish got to do with rain coat? I need wanted was her pussy and she’s busy babbling about love. What concerns me with love? Well, I managed to play along.

When she eventually came to my crib, she said she wanted to bath. I began to think about how I was going to suck, knead, fondle her boos and pinch the nipples. She went into the bathroom with all her clothes and came back wrapped in towel. Before, she had very shapely and enticing chest. But now with only the towel on, her chest was … almost flat. I flew into rage. I asked her where ‘did your boobs travel to’? She replied me with ‘my love… ’ I flew to the kitchen, armed myself with a cooking spoon, threw the lady’s clothes outside and used the spoon to pursue her out into the streets. Arrant nonsense!

Agreed I over reacted and should have let her wear her clothes before shoving her out. But just like the scammed SUV buyer, I was so angry. After spending so much on something with high expectations and ended getting nothing, why wouldn’t I be angry? If you’re a lady and a guy harasses you with boasts that he wants to drill you with his ten inch dick and when you finally agree after salivating for a days about how sweet the big mamba will feel inside you… as he took off his pants, what you see is a ten inch strap on dildo atop of a one inch dick, how would you react?

You may scam me with fake butts, you may scam me with ‘expired’ boobs, you may scam me with ‘8 lane highway’ pussy, but never attempt to scam me with boobs that aren’t there at all because if you do, whatever happens to you is between me and my guardian angel.

There is a big difference between deception and supplying under-specified product. I could just convert to toy or fondle ‘fallen’ boobs; I could compress am eight lane highway pussy to four lane and manage it; but what would I do with a seeming V8 engine that suddenly metamorphosed to motorcycle engine? Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying it is a crime to have small boobs… far from it. Just as motorcycles and even bicycles have their advantages and have billions of daily users, so are there billions of men who prefer, drool over, chase and marry women with small boobs.

I can still remember a friend who met a lady on social media and was so much in love until he saw her physically. The lady’s 40 DDD boobs made him vamoose. I asked him why he ran away. He said he never knew her chest was so massive. In the pictures she sent him, she looked just like a normal plain Jane. ‘What am I going to do with her massive front package? Those jugs could suffocate me’. He said he preferred small boobs he could just knead and squeeze with his hands. I looked at him with a sorry face as if he’s someone hit by an eighteen wheeler truck. This man saw correct milk factory and instead of helping himself, he fled. Indeed one man’s poison is another man’s meat.

So whether a lady has small or extra large boobs does not matter. There are lots of men who will love you just that way. It becomes a crime when you fake or subtly enhance what you don’t have because that’ll be scam or deception and we all know how all relationships started with deception usually end.

It’ll be unreasonable for men to expect the breasts to be perpetually firm and rotund. Gravity, age, weaning, genes and a host of other factors all take a heavy toll on the breasts. But what I don’t understand is how the boobs of… say… a twenty five years old lady could be flat as slippers when she has never had a child. The ladies In this category deserve to be flogged for neglecting to take good care of their prime asset. And they’re very good at propping up them boobies to look tantalizing with push up bra.

You can imagine another scenario I once encountered. I got attracted to an epitome of beauty and brains. I asked her for a date and she agreed. After a couple of months spent going out to various wonderful places, we decided to play the daddy and mommy game. I was already salivating at her full and tantalizing boobs as she took off her clothes. When she took off her bra, Olympus fell from capital letters O O to number 11. I shed tears and was inconsolable that day.


12. What’s Love Got To Do With It?

I was in my final year at college when this happened. I bumped into Toni, an old friend at high school. She was newly admitted after spending some years working to raise funds for college. We were both happy to see each other. I soon started to survey her physique… her bum bum is so specially carved, big and rotund in the jeans she was wearing. I thought in my mind that ‘this babe must not pass me o’. I soon begin to plot how I’ll see her like the day her mama gave birth to her. We chatted, exchanged phone numbers and bade each other goodbye.

Later at night when I got home, I buzzed her and we started chatting. At first, I tried not to sound desperate so we only talked about normal things. We chatted about movies. The campus generally seemed to be of little interests to her.  We soon graduated to long frequent calls. Over time Toni and I got closer and started a platonic relationship.

I find Toni really attractive. The sex appeal that oozed from her whenever we were together often gave me unwanted erections. Sometimes, my dick would rise by just thinking about her. We were becoming close and it was time I let her in on it. After some months, I invited her to my place. She came. Don’t start thinking that I rushed her o. Nothing happened. But of course I hugged her when she came in and her big breasts felt really good on my chest. While we talked, I kept glancing at her boobs. She soon noticed and asked me what I was looking at. I said nothing o.  I cooked for her, we ate together and then watched some movies. She eventually left. From then on, things began to happen.

As weekend approached, I asked her if she could spend the weekend with me. She said ‘maybe’. I instantly knew that her bum bum was mine to chop. The following days, I kept fit, ate those holy water boosting foods I know about… *wink*. Saturday soon came. I called to know what time she would come. She said in the evening. I was so excited. I cleaned up the room and arranged everything neatly and orderly. You’ll think the President of the United States of America is ‘coming’ to visit my crib.

She eventually arrived. The bear hug I hugged her was as soothing as I had anticipated. This time around I held her by the hip while we hugged. I fought the temptation of holding behind the hip… no need to rush since we have all the night. I gently asked if she would do the cooking… she said she came prepared for that. While she was busy at the kitchen, I made sure romance blues flowed from the home theatre continuously. Mehn, Toni is a real good cook. My tongue didn’t help matters at all. It kept flying around in my mouth and got severely bitten by happily chewing teeth. Toni had to beg me to eat slowly before I could finish the food in peace.

After supper, we took turns to bath… then settled on the bed to watch movies. My right hand soon went to work in the area between her neck and her back was not covered by her spaghetti top. I then graduated to subtle back massage. The rhythmic movements of my hand on her bare back soon got into her head. I talked about something showing on the TV looked at her to see her reaction but she had closed her eyes and turned around facing up. Gosh… chop this babe… I must chop this babe… I must chop this babe…!

My hand went to her tummy… slowly caressed her up. I ran up to her boobs. When I touched her tits, she started breathing like an asthmatic patient. I eased her up and sat behind her so that her back was resting on my chest. I raised her top and pulled it off, cupped her boobs in my hand and from behind her, my hands worked on her boobs.  Big big boobs they were and I loved the shape! I jumped off to the kitchen and returned with oil. I sat behind her again, oiled her boobs and began to smooch the living day light out of her while planting wet kisses on her back and neck. When I eventually started to work on the lower parts, you know she is already wet nau. It seemed like she didn’t want me to stop massaging her boobs but my dick was so hard to the point that I felt pains down below so I had to go work on her pussy. When I took off her undies, I was flabbergasted by what I saw. Oh shakurababah…  come and see swollen, glittering, meaty and clean shaven pussy!

I slid my hand into her camel toe and she slightly parted her laps. When I slid a finger into her pussy, she let out a soft moan. She was wet all over. I bent over, spread her legs wide dived my mouth into her pussy and began to eat her pussy like a hungry hog. she hummed and hummed like a bee. Having satisfied my mouth, I decided it is time for dick to eat too and slid the whole shaft in to the end… everything locked in place. Then I started to grind my waist. As the sensation went from her womanliness to all parts of her body, she started to moan louder… yuuuhhhhhssshhhhh… aaaasssshhhh…. Then with steady and slow rythm I began to pound her. I could feel the sensations going through her because as I fucked her she wriggled restlessly. The nerve endings in her pussy got all the beautiful feelings they were made to get. My dick was stiff and primed for action. I started to pummel her and she moaned to my pleasure.

When the wetness below became too much, I withdrew and positioned her on all fours. I had to use both hands to separate her huge bum bum to reveal the goal post. When I went in from behind, she cried out my name o…

“Randy Maaaaannnn.”

I began to bang her from behind. Doggy is sweet o. ladies love it. But some of them pretend they don’t like the style so that men won’t seem them as sluts. I looked from sideways to look those two big oranges going back and forth as I rammed her. Steady thrusts, at regular interval and with every stroke it seemed like something vibrated through her body. I pounded her silly. She kept calling my name… moaning my name. Sweat soon covered her as we were both enjoying our moment. I screwed every corner of her hole… mehn… I was in another world. The only thing that mattered at the moment was me and Toni. We were both butt naked and screwing blissfully. The feeling in my body eh, weed can’t give you this feeling, neither do I think heroine or any other drugs can. Pure beauty! Pure ecstasy! Pure pleasures! Was all I was feeling… like I was floating away in a cloud. Then I shot out a glass full of holy water into her hot pussy.

I pulled out and was breathing heavily but Toni wouldn’t let me rest. She started begging me… “Common Randy Man… you can’t leave me like this nau… my pussy is ‘doing’ me ooo… I will die o…” I don’t blame her sha. He pussy must be seriously contracting for her to beg like that. But she can’t die nau. It is the ecstasy of the moment. I gently pushed her down and turned her on her side such that she faced the wall, and I positioned her top leg, the left one at angle 90. I slid two fingers in and began to finger her, she shut her eyes and when it was really getting into her, she started to cry and hit the wall frantically. My fingers found the area I was looking for… somewhere above her camel toe. I caressed it lovingly, giving it some care and attention. Then I slid my dick in again. I drilled her for a few minutes when I felt her pussy walls tighten around my rod.

I maintained the tempo and the angle that got her pussy to tighten. Her moaning changed to ahhh… eeehhh… oohhh… yeeeh… Short moans with heavy breath. Then she did something crazy. She gave her bum bum a heavy slap. Hmmmm… what is this supposed to mean nau? She slapped her ass again. I got the message, so I helped her. As I slapped her bum bum, her pussy shock my rod from inside of her. Then squirts of yoghurt gushed out of her pot. The crazy gal collapsed on the floor, arched her hip up and shot out more squirts. If she were sitting on me, she would have broken my dick as she suddenly crashed down… some girls can be so careless!

I felt thirsty and went to the fridge to get cold water. She couldn’t rise from the floor. I had to carry her to the bed. She was completely exhausted and sweaty. I was happy I did a good job. Every guy is looking for a job, but don’t bother or care to do a good job. I looked her eyes closed lying on the bed with no expression across her face. I poured some water into the cup, raised her head up and gave her water to drink. She opened her eyes and fixed a gaze on me. When the cup became empty, I gave her another fill to drink. Then I dropped the cup and lay beside her. The words she uttered next rang alarm in my head.

“Randy Man… I love you.”

Holy Smokie! I pretended as if I didn’t hear what she said. She repeated the same words again. I couldn’t reply her so I bent over and just kissed her lips while she wrapped her arms around my neck and hug me till she fell asleep. In my mind, I wasn’t comfortable. What the bleep is the relationship between ladies and love? What is love sef? Love means different things to different girls. To some girls, it means money. To others,, it could mean emotional attachment or a love blind guy who runs errands for them. Whatever love means, I don’t think I am ready to tie my life on the neck of one woman… haba… that decision is not easy to make o.

When guys have sex, it doesn’t really mean much to them. Often times, they just want to empty their balls and walk away. Ladies on the other hand attach so much emotion to sex… I don’t know why… maybe that is how women are ‘programmed’. However, the times have changed. The age when people have sex only as a means of procreation is long gone. People now have sex just for the sake of having sex. So for a lady to become emotionally attached to a guy over a few rounds of sex… I don’t just get it.

Ladies should try to understand that it is not every tom, dick and harry that toast them or have sex with them that really love them. Most of such guys have no intentions of ‘love’ in mind… they just want to fuck… maybe fuck again and then… he goes his way… she goes her way… and that’s all.

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(Check Here Tomorrow /12/2016 By 4 PM)